Real Weight

I gained nine pounds this week.

Whenever I say I gained x pounds in y time, people invariably tell me it is impossible, it is not "real weight." Well, save it, because honestly it IS real, I cannot button my pants, I have an extra roll around my middle that has swollen up where there was none before. It is REAL because last week my weight was 225 and today it is 234. I am not holding my cat or using a faulty scale, so it is real. Is it 100% fat? Of course not. It never is. The 60 pounds I lost before was not 100% fat, either, but that weight was real. If you don't believe me, ask my knees. Ask my feet. A pound is a pound is a pound on my joints and bones and body, and I "it isn't real"-ed myself all the way from 145 pounds to 278 pounds. I don't have my head in the sand anymore. Whether that nine pounds is partly water bloat, partly extra food in my gut, partly expanded fat cells... I don't care. It is nine pounds on my body, on my joints, that I am walking around carrying. It could be made of chicken beaks for all I care... it is real to me, and I want it back off.

What happened? I was lazy with my eating. I started grazing. I ate sweets. I didn't move much due to the foot injury. I said yes to the inner brat too often (hot dogs for dinner, bad idea). I stopped counting calories. I basically took a week off (not on purpose) from not only healthy eating but also common sense with my food.

What's happening now? I am getting off my butt and doing something about it before it gets out of hand. It would be nothing for me to be 245 pounds by the end of the month. Since that is not what I want, I have to get back to work.

Yesterday I did manage to get out and take a walk to the park with my child, and my foot was okay with that. So maybe the worst is over with my injury. It was nice to get some sunshine and activity in for about an hour. I also biked last night. I made it 17 minutes before my foot said "enough." It's a start. I'll do it again tonight.

While I don't like the gain, I do like where I am right now. It's not crazy like it used to be, where I'd eat healthy, lose weight, then flip out and gain, then lose... like a pendulum, but always ending up higher than I started. My emotions used to get SO tense and hard to deal with. When the scale was down I was ecstatic. When it was up I was in a panic. That's probably why I couldn't "diet" for any length of time: the emotional roller coaster was just too much and I'd end up quitting and soothing myself with food. Nowadays, it's all life. I do go up and down, usually within a ten pound span every month. But I don't feel anxious and panicky about that. I just say, "well, I was morbidly obese for a decade. I'm not anymore. This is life, I am heading in the right direction overall. I am okay." And I just get back to business, the goal being to end every month lighter than I started it. I've done that for the past 3 months and I'll do it again this month. There's no going back now. I am not that person anymore.

There's a great day ahead. Let's make the most of it!