You Know It's A Binge When...

You know it's a binge when...

-you stop counting calories
-you lose count of how many pieces of pizza you ate
-you guzzle orange juice instead of water
-you eat globs of cream cheese straight off the knife
-you break into your kids' Christmas candy and eat some of it
-you pour yourself a bowl of trail mix when you don't even LIKE trail mix and it is 250 calories for 3 TABLESPOONS
-you consider eating the leftover Halloween candy
-you make a big cup of coffee loaded with sugar and cream at 8pm
-you want Ritz but there are no Ritz so you eat some crackers you don't even like
-you eat most of the above in private, carefully sneaking around so no one will see you
-you feel incredibly ill and guilt-ridden
-you go to bed with heartburn and wake up with a headache
-you gain 2 pounds overnight

Yes. It happened again. I feel absolutely angry, sad, and disappointed in myself. Last night I felt sick, still. I had eaten very little all day... on the order of 350 calories (first mistake). Then in the evening it hit me. I HAD to eat, I wanted carbs, I wanted fat and sugar. I tried to tame it and eat reasonable amounts but before I could blink an eye I was shoveling food into my mouth with abandon. It really pisses me off.

For three months I have been writing notes on a small paper planner: how many calories I eat each day, my weight, my exercise, my mood, days I feel extra hungry, and my binges. I've always logged calories and weight on Sparkpeople, but this paper journal has given me new insight, especially as I look at it this morning. What I noticed:

My eating is almost directly related to my female cycle/hormones. For the first 2 weeks of each month, my eating has been pristine! It is *easy* for me to eat 1200-1600 calories a day. I *never* go over. I feel great, I lose 4 or 5 pounds during that first 2 weeks. Then, midcycle, I seem to crash. EVERY binge or out-of-control eating session in the past 3 months has been right after the middle of my cycle. Every single one! The third week of the month is torture for me. I am hungry, moody, tired, and pacing around wanting to overeat. I gain weight during that week. Then the last week of the month, I get a grip (although it is not as easy as the first two weeks) and drop a couple pounds back off.

Why?? I don't really get this, but I think it *must* be hormone-related. I'm going to be doing some research on female hormone cycles, which hormones hit when, and the known effects of those hormones. And then I will try and make a plan to prevent the insanity *next* month.

I am disappointed, but I am also aware that having a binge or two per month, at a certain time of month, is far, FAR better than my "old" life of bingeing almost daily. The months of eating whole cakes and pint after pint of ice cream and whole packages of hot dogs and Cheetos... those days are gone. I am so thankful. When I was eating like that, I once gained 40 pounds in 3 months. And I once gained 80 pounds in about 10 months. I think if I had not stopped when I did, I'd be either completely immobile or dead by now. So I am quite thankful for the progress I've made.

Another thought I've had... my binge was not triggered by any emotional *event* yesterday. It was sheer *desire to stuff food into my mouth*... it was internal, body-driven, and not thought-driven. Not sure what difference that makes, but I'll note it for future reference.

Goal: no more binges or out-of-control eating this month. I do *feel* like overeating today, but I am going to do my best to control it and feel myself high volume, high nutrition, low calorie foods like roasted broccoli today. And I *think* I feel better enough (from my sickness) to bike tonight.

Keep on working at it... we'll get it right.