that I've had for ages but was packed away in a box for a long time. I finally found it today and wow, it feels so good. Maybe it will help my foot pain. Anyway, I was going to make steak and potatoes and salad for dinner tonight, but since three of my kids are absent at the moment, I am going to let everyone have sandwiches. I'll make the steak dinner tomorrow night, when four of my five kids will be here to enjoy it. Every year for as long as I can remember, NYE and New Years Day have been a huge buffet of appetizers and then a nice dinner. I've always put out a big spread of fancy cheeses, meats, different kinds of summer sausages, cheese balls, dips, crackers, hummus, chips, veggie sticks, olives, and spreads. I always made those sausage cheese ball appetizers and a crock pot full of cocktail weenies in BBQ sauce, too. This is the first year I can remember in my adult life that I have not made at least some of that stuff. And I have no plans to make any of it, either. There's no reason... I know I would want to eat it all myself. I know I would overdo it. The kids are just as happy with normal meals. So I am letting it go. I don't have to "make it festive." Besides, I am tired and just want to sit and relax and drink tea tonight and then tomorrow, play some board games and do crafts. Nothing major.
Let me tell you something. I love my blog. It's a huge labor of love... a giant project that has a life of its own now. I have taken very few breaks from blogging, even when I sort of felt like I had nothing to say. I always come back and 'chat' with my friends... you all... and feel SO good that I am being heard. Yes, for once in my life, I am being heard. I love that and it validates my being. I am not sure if that will make sense to many of you, but if you know about my religious upbringing and background, and how unworthy I often felt, you might understand. All those times as a child that I was invisible... all those days in my early married years when I was treated as a non-person or told how disposable I was... all those years thinking I did not matter and feeling that no one would even notice if I was gone... well, as silly as it may sound, blogging has helped heal a lot of that. It has given me strength and self-love, confidence and courage. Kind of like going to college did... putting forth my best and seeing that "A" handwritten on my papers was so, so validating. I was *not* an idiot. I was *not* worthless. There was something so amazing about being on the honor roll at 32 years old... about winning scholarships and being in the honor society... about wearing that special golden sash as I walked to the stage and graduated with honors in front of my clapping children. It faded so many scars of the past. I realized: they were wrong about me. I am somebody. I am capable. I do exist. And blogging feels the same way to me. I thank you for being a part of that.
And so I'll blog and continue to chronicle my weight, my life, my thoughts. I hope to have less reruns and more trailblazing adventures in 2013. I am satisfied that I will have them, not alone, but with my sweet children, my furry pups, and all of you.
Happy New Year :)
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