Still a Struggle

This whole "free eating" thing is actually a bit scary. I guess I wanted to have a couple of weeks relaxing and not thinking about weight loss and staying on plan. I sort of wanted to eat some stuff I haven't eaten in nine months. I wanted to "control myself" while indulging in some goodies like split pea soup with sourdough bread, a bowl of cereal with milk, and fresh fruit. What I didn't count on was that my brain would start to revert back to its former brattiness and start demanding things like candy bars, cake, hot dogs, and potato chips.

Without strict parameters of WHAT to eat and HOW MUCH to eat, I go overboard. I start thinking about all the possibilities and drooling over the idea of going to the mall and getting pizza and a cheese steak sandwich. I have begun to obsess about food... something that I thought was almost completely gone from my life. I see some random "new flavor" of candy, ice cream, chips, anything... and I think "omg I have to have it NOW before I start being really strict again." I have to constantly fight myself not to eat during every waking minute. In fact yesterday I was driving in my car to an appointment and was a half hour early, and for JUST A SECOND I considered going to ARBY's for a roast beef, cheese fries and a Coke. Yes I actually thought about it but almost immediately thought, "blech, I have been off fast food for over a year and I do NOT want to go back now!" The thought of sitting in the car dipping curly fries in plasticy orange sauce actually made me nauseous, as did the image I have ingrained into my psyche of big black flies zooming around a chunk of cooked roast beef under a heat lamp waiting to be sliced. No, I am not *that* far gone.

I bought ice cream the other day, which I already mentioned, but when I realized what a big problem it was (I was ready to eat the entire QUART myself) I gave it to my teens. I was in the 7-11 getting a drink yesterday and while I was tempted to get a soda, I ended up with an unsweetened, plain iced tea. But I am not always successful. When I opened a bag from a local deli with some chicken soup inside, I pulled out the two little miniature chocolate chip cookies they'd included as a surprise bonus, and I ate them. When I went to the grocery store hungry the other day, I picked up a roast beef sandwich (on a white roll) at the deli and a large bag of chips. I sat down to eat them (in the car, running errands, another reversion to a bad habit), finished 3/4 of the sandwich and then ate about 5 chips, realized what I was doing, got out of the car and put the whole bag of chips in the trash. Wasteful? Maybe. But less wasteful than putting it in my body.

It sucks trying to "be both things": a thin woman who is losing weight and knows how to eat right, and a fat woman who wants to indulge in everything all at once. And that's what I've been doing this past week, kind of dancing on the edge, eating some things I shouldn't without going *completely* off the deep end. Counting calories for half the day and then stopping because I know I will be over. Trying to maintain the illusion of healthy eating (the illusion TO MYSELF) by eating a spinach salad and chicken breast, while knowing that after the kids are in bed I am going to eat 4 ounces of cheese and a bowl of crackers. It just doesn't mesh. I guess I can't do it. I think I wanted to try. I sort of miss the "old days" of eating all the yummy junk I could stand... but I do not miss the old body and the old misery. Can't have it both ways.

So the scale is up an astronomical amount in just a few days (186) and it perplexes me a bit. I think, "gee, if I actually started BINGEING I would be over 200 in no time flat." It is scary. In the past I gained 40 pounds in 3 months once, and 80 pounds in less than a year. And I assure you that weight was very real. I do not want to go there. In fact I have no clothes that will fit me if I gain 5 more pounds, so the brakes are on. I have to knock it off. In fact I have to knock it off forever if I want to be healthy.

I got a comment or two over the last few days berating Medifast for "not teaching me anything." I have to say, I have learned *so much* on Medifast... so much about myself, my eating, my needs, even my emotions. If you've read my blog for the past 9 months you know what I mean. It also taught me HOW to eat correctly and that I can be very satisfied with dinners I cooked while on that program, no grains needed. I learned how to eat in a restaurant and be satisfied. It's been a huge blessing in my life. That said, I understand how people want to point fingers at the program because "see, you went off Medifast and are struggling." Well, of course. That isn't the plan's fault. The key point is that I WENT OFF. I did not follow Medifast's guidelines. I knew I was doing that and I chose, and am choosing, to do it anyway for my own sanity. Nine months I have done Medifast, and I decided to take a breather. Of course I will struggle trying to figrue things out my own way. I am okay with that... it is part of the journey. Not part of what Medifast recommends, but part of what I decided I need at this time. Medifast HAS a very detailed transition program to go from Medifast foods to all regular foods, adding in fruits and dairy and grains on a schedule. That plan works. It does teach people how to eat at maintenance. Just like Weight Watchers or any other good solid program *works* if you follow it. When someone ignores the guidelines and starts eating cookies, you really cannot blame the plan. I own my behavior. And this experience has shown me many things, one of which is that I do need and want to go through Medifast transition to get back to healthy eating in a more organized, less "free-for-all" manner.

In the meantime, I'm counting calories and cutting the crap because I am at my limit for weight gain right now.

Breakfast was yerba mate tea and a smoothie made from plain, nonfat Greek yogurt, fresh mango, pomegranate arils, ice, and fish oil.
Snack was a protein bar and a cup of coffee.
485 calories so far.

I am off to volunteer in my daughter's classroom, and then I plan to try and figure out how to do some of my new physical therapy exercises on my weight machine. I am missing a part (ankle strap/cable) so I need to either find it or order another one. I also want to start biking at least 15 minutes each evening. The PT says to start very slow to lower risk of injury. I hope to work up to quite a bit more.