Trying

After my last post, I tossed out the sugar free Oreos and took stock of things. No, I'm not terribly motivated right now. My energy level is super low, a combination of Seasonal Affective Disorder, grieving, and having my movement so limited over the past several months. I would say right now, I feel as bad as I did before I started blogging... when I weighed 278 pounds. It is hard to get around (mainly due to pain) and I just feel very blah overall. In the past, when I've hit a slump, eventually I'd decide I needed to "do something about it once and for all" and then gather all my energy and go full steam ahead into whatever plan or actions I thought would get me out of the slump. But this time, I've been sitting in the slump for what feels like a very long time. And my motivation, even my desire, to change is very low.

There is a little nagging voice though, that tells me this is not how it has to be... that I deserve to feel better and my kids deserve a happier, healthier mother. I guess the thing that gets me most is the vivid memories of how I felt and how different life was at 175 pounds... or even 188 pounds, which was not so long ago. In 2010 and 2011 I weighed in that range most of the time and I can close my eyes and see it like a movie... but I can feel it too. I miss that. I miss being out in the sunshine playing on the playground, swinging with my daughter, roller skating, raking leaves... I cannot believe how much WORSE I feel now. It's kind of frightening. I did not feel this crappy on the way DOWN the scale. I just want to be able to walk my dogs and mop the floors. I just want to feel normal again.

I've adjusted my eating this week and cut out the little extras I was having. Sugar free cookies and candies seemed like a better idea than the sugar-filled ones, but I know they're not good for me either. I went back to oranges, Clementines, bananas and pomegranates for my sweets. I am making a focused effort to eat at least 3 servings of vegetables each day. I am doing that basically because I think it will help me start to feel better. That's my goal: to stop feeling so awful.

I am very glad it's Christmastime, because that in itself brings me joy. We went and got our tree, and now the house smells like fresh pines and the twinkling lights bring a peace and cheer to the living room. It will be nice to have a couple of weeks with the kids off school and not as many appointments and errands to run. And I'm looking forward to the clean slate of a new year, once more.