Wishes

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to eat. Oh, I don't wish I *couldn't* eat. I have friends whose children cannot eat by mouth, and my own child has had some eating issues. What I wish is that I could just skate by, not eating unless I wanted to. I wish I could live on all shakes or something and never eat food unless I felt like it on some special occasion. But that wouldn't be healthy, physically or mentally. We need real food, that's just a fact. I admit there were times when I was on Medifast that I was sorely tempted to skip the "real food" portions and just drink shakes or eat the bars, but I never did it. For me it is difficult to think about food AT ALL some days. Having to go, "hmmm, should I have chicken breast, tuna, or eggs tonight? and what would go well with that... broccoli, salad, or cabbage?" seemed to get me started thinking about all the things I *really* wanted to eat but couldn't. Oh, I am grateful I have a choice. I am sure there are people out there who have nothing to eat but tuna. I lived on stale donuts from the food bank every morning for about three years, because we couldn't afford to BUY food for breakfast, so don't think I don't get that. But still, I sometimes wish I could just avoid eating altogether.

I think it would be simpler, and sort of nice, to just take a Food Supplement every few hours, never get hungry, and be fully nourished. I have this very strong, love/hate relationship with food these days. I LOVE to eat, love the textures and tastes of everything from fudge to carrots. I enjoy salmon. I love zucchini. I bask in the wonderful feeling of well-being when I eat a beautiful, jewel-red pomegranate (they are IN SEASON right now, people, do not miss them! See my post from last year: Pomegranates for Health. And if you want a totally fantastic pomegranate recipe, check this out. See? I love food.) But I hate food too. It nags me, annoys me, bothers me, interrupts my thoughts. It distracts me and seems to pull at me all the time. I hate having to plan and think about it and wonder about it. I wish I could just drink shakes and ignore everything else.

But I can't do that, it just wouldn't be healthy at all. I understand medically supervised liquid diets in extreme circumstances for the super-morbidly obese if that is what their doctor recommends, but not for the rest of us. Our bodies need actual food going through the digestive tract, and we need the nutrients found in vegetables that you can't get anywhere else. So even when I am on Medifast, I face the same dilemma: almonds or celery for a snack? What shall I make for dinner? And while I love to cook, I'd rather just stay out of the kitchen when I am trying to lose weight. Granted, Medifast makes it easier because I don't have to think about breakfast or lunch or any food other than dinner and a snack. It does free up my mind from food obsession A LOT. And this week I have really missed that. I have had to focus on my eating much more than usual, and as a result I don't have the time or energy do deal with "other stuff." But I am working on it.

So, in an effort to make my eating as mindless as possible (well, I mean, when I eat the food I will be mindful of it, but the actual *choosing a food to eat* process can be mindless), I am planning out my menu for tomorrow, tonight. I am sitting here making a list of what I *will* eat. I've done this in the past, years ago. I like the structure but I always rebelled because the inner brat wants what she wants, and why should she have to eat a banana instead of an apple JUST BECAUSE it says so in the meal plan? ::tantrum::

Anyway, what was meant to be a break is turning into just the opposite... a lot of effort. But I am learning, so that's good. I also am religiously doing my physical therapy exercises every day and have another appointment tomorrow. And hey, maybe I better get started on the Christmas shopping for my five kids!?!

Hang in there guys. We will get there.