Feeling Great!

Today, I weigh 227 pounds. And it feels SO RIGHT. It feels like I am finally *exactly* where I should be both physically and mentally. You might think that's a really strange thing to hear from a woman who is at least 70 pounds overweight, but I am not talking about reaching a destination here. I am not talking about BMI charts or desired outcomes or clothing sizes. I am talking about my actual weight *finally* matching my mental and emotional weight. Let me explain.

Sometimes, you feel like you weigh a LOT more than you really do. Other times, you feel like you weigh far less than you really do. In both cases, the head games can be uncomfortable. You look in the mirror and gasp, because the person you see is either MUCH fatter or far thinner than you expected. Your mental image does not match your actual physical state. And there is discomfort at the *thought* of being a certain weight when your brain is not actually *there.* Like, when I weighed 233 a week ago, I felt like I was TOO FAT. When I weighed 214 a year and a half ago, I felt like I was TOO THIN. In both cases I was not comfortable with my body and it caused me a bit of emotional distress. Not a lot, but enough to notice.

When you're on a weight loss journey, especially a long one with ups and downs (and having a touch of body dysmorphia), BEING the weight that you IMAGINE yourself to be can be a rare thing. Finding a moment where you body reality and brain image coincides is a grand thing and feels just, well, delightful. And that's where I am right now.

I feel absolutely at home with my 227-pound body. I am happy. Oh yes, I am intent on losing more weight and getting well below 227, but somehow, right now the 220's feels like right where I need to be, mentally, emotionally. So I'll enjoy it, and hope that by the time I melt away another 8 pounds my brain is ready to see 219 on the scale.

This week I biked most days (30 minutes) and walked once (about 35 minutes). Some of the stuff I ate was:

grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup
barbecued pork ribs, mashed potatoes and green beans
oatmeal cooked with butternut squash, apples, cinnamon, and pumpkin, topped with slivered toasted almonds, maple syrup, pomegranate arils, and milk
Chai tea lattes (with agave nectar)
cornbread chili pie with sour cream
butternut squash macaroni and cheese
big spinach salads with Gorgonzola, crumbled bacon, pine nuts, and apple cider dressing
chocolate mousse

Yeah. No deprivation here! Life is good.

An aside...
You may recall that in September, I swore off all fast food. This was difficult for my 4-year-old, who had been getting a Happy Meal almost every week (chicken nuggets, fries, juice box). She LOVED those things. For the first two weeks, every time she saw a McDonalds she had a breakdown. She asked, she begged. "PLEASE Mommy! YOU don't have to get anything if you don't like McDonald's! Just get me some nuggets!" The next few weeks were grumbles of, "Mommy USED to take me to McDonald's, but she doesn't anymore." I had explained a bit about the salt and grease. I had baked her some nuggets and fries at home. She got used to it. She quit asking. Then, last week her dance instructor handed out (gasp) coupons for free chicken nuggets. When my daughter saw the coupon she lit up and jumped with joy! She was so excited (in fact, the coupon was part of a reward she earned in class). After some thought, I told her, "Okay. I will take you through the drive-through and we will pick up your free nuggets and some fries, and we will go home and you can have that for lunch. But this is a one-time thing. We are not going to keep going to McDonald's." She was thrilled!

We went and got her food (I got nothing, I am NOT going back to that place!) She sat down at the table and enjoyed every single bite. She really mmmmm-ed and ahhhh-ed over those nuggets and fries, which she hadn't had in two and a half months. And two hours later, she had some really bad diarrhea. She was on the toilet all evening pooping out greasy nastiness. I guess her body just isn't used to that garbage anymore! No fever, no other "sick" symptoms, so I feel sure it was the McDonald's. She was fine by morning, and she said, "I am NEVER eating McDonald's again!" Lesson learned!

We got our Christmas tree today and I am basking in the wonderful fir tree scent wafting through my living room. Tomorrow we'll play Christmas music and hang lights, ornaments, and candy canes on the tree. I am so excited! I can't wait! Life is good.