Resurrection Coming

Ohhhh I am so excited I can hardly stand it! You can almost *feel* the energy in the air from everyone around you gearing up for a new life, a second chance, resolutions and promises! It doesn't even matter if most of the energy will dissipate within a couple of weeks... it is *there*, it is real, almost palpable. All the hope and excitement and determination is so invigorating! It's nice to feed off everyone else's energy for awhile, and it will be fun to have lots of company in the health and fitness battle, at least for awhile.

Tomorrow, the Internet will abound with people searching for things like "lose weight fast," "cookie diet," "how to drop 20 pounds in 20 days," "cabbage soup diet," and "magic weight loss pill." I know, because I used to be one of those people. I was desperate, longing to change what seemed impossible. How on earth can anyone lose 100+ pounds?? It sounds insurmountable. It will take forever. One pound at a time. And I wanted to gone NOW. FAST. IMMEDIATELY. Ah well, we can dream... but the reality is, we just have to work for it, moment by moment.

Tomorrow will be like a Second Coming of sorts, with weight loss blogs all over the 'net resurrecting from weeks or months of silence. "I am ready now," they'll say. "This time, I am going to do it!" It will be so nice to see old friends and new bloggers join the ranks, energized and focused on losing weight and getting healthy. It'll be great to see our ranks swell with people full of hope, wanting to change their lives for good.

Will you be one who is still here next December? And by "still here," I mean still working the healthy lifestyle. Will you stick with it through the easy times and tough times, through stalls and plateaus as your body changes? Will you keep working or blogging or exercising or doing whatever comprises your current, exciting plan? Or when the momentum fades will you return to your Comfortable State, munching chips on the couch while watching the Biggest Loser and wishing that was you? It's in your power to change, you know. It might take more time than you like, but it's doable. You just have to keep going even when the honeymoon phase is over.

So hop on, ride the wave through January, and when things calm down and half the world has forgotten their resolutions and gone back to the Way Things Are, you and I can keep on working towards the Way Things CAN Be. And next December you will be so glad you hung in there. I promise!

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Winter Bounty: Clementines!

In the wintertime, I used to be very sad that the Farmer's Market was closed. No more fresh local veggies, no more deliciously sweet, ripe berries and peaches. No juicy watermelons or plump, bright red tomatoes. All the foundation of my eating for summer was gone! But then I discovered the wonderful array of fruits and vegetables that are only in season in the wintertime. Take, for example, the Clementine:

A Clementine is a kind of mandarin orange. It's usually little... smaller than a lemon. Now, let me first state that I am a bit of a citrus snob. I never really liked oranges. In fact, I am still not a fan of your everyday orange. The white is too bitter, and I hate peeling it all off. And then the membrane is all chewy and tough, ick. I admit I used to be one of those people who'd cut an orange into wedges and then bite them to release the juice, suck it all out, and throw the rest of the orange away. I was only in it for the juice. I hate chewing tough membranes and I hate the feel of white pith in my mouth. But these... oh these Clementines are fantastic. They are super easy to peel... the peel just comes right off with your fingers. There is *very* little pith stuck on the outside of the wedges. The membranes are so thin I *never* have to spit one out. There are NO seeds! And the little segments are so super sweet and juicy it is like eating candy! Delicious!

Since I am a very picky Clementine freak, I will add that I prefer one particular kind/brand of Clementines over all others: Cuties. I have tried other things that look like Clementines: tangerines, Satsumas... I don't like them. I always come back to Clementines. (I tell you this because even if you *think* you have tried fruit that looked like a "little orange," you might not have tried a Clementine! Try different varieties til you find one you like, and if you can find Cuties, go for it!)

Clementines are small and delicious but only have about 35 calories each! They'll satisfy your sweet tooth while providing you with lots of vitamin C, along with some fiber, B vitamins, and potassium. Go out and get some Clementines while you can... last year, the variety I love disappeared in January or February along with my beloved pomegranates.

Enjoy the winter bounty! This stuff is better than candy.

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Oh, Those BatArms!!

I had a run-in today with my "bat wing" arms, as some bloggers so lovingly refer to their big flabby upper arm area. You know, the part that swings and flaps like a wing whenever you raise your arm above your shoulder? That big huge hunk that hangs there? (If you do NOT know what I mean, thank your lucky stars. And do NOT let yourself become morbidly obese. Ever.)

This morning I got out a new size L (normal!) shirt to wear. I knew it would fit me because I had bought several of the same brand/cut in size L, in tee shirts for summer and they fit me wonderfully. Imagine my surprise when I put on the L long-sleeve shirt and my upper arms were nearly strangled by the fabric, which hung nicely on every other part of my body: chest, waist, hips, forearms. All lovely. But the bat wings? They were stuffed into that fabric to the point of bursting. I wore it anyway, because it looked SO darn good on me everywhere else, but dang! My upper arms feel like sausages overstuffed into tight casings! It might take some Vaseline or butter greasing my skin to be able to get these sleeves back off my giganto-arms.

You know, I am pretty proud of every part of me. (okay, forget the thighs and preggo-belly. I am proud of *almost* every part of me). I have a nice defined waist and a good overall shape and most of me is starting to look kinda normal (not like I am grossly overweight)... except for these ARMS! I swear, the ONLY reason people used to say I "carried my weight well" at 278 pounds is because MOST of it was hanging on my upper arms!! Good heavens...

So I broke out the measuring tape today. My upper arms are still at their lowest measurement over this weight loss journey: 16.75 inches each, measured at mid-bicep. But here's the kicker: when I weighed 278 pounds, do you know what my upper arms measured? Seventeen inches. Seventeen!! Can you even believe that? So they have only shrunk 1/4 inch while losing 50 pounds! I've lost MANY INCHES off my waist, hips, bust, and each thigh... even more than an inch off my neck... but as much as I have shrunk, I still have the upper arms of a 278 pound, morbidly obese woman. Which explains why every time I go to the doctor now, they break out a normal-sized blood pressure cuff, try it, look shocked, and apologize while they go to find the super-huge-sized, extra-large cuff that will fit my arm. (They used to take one look at me and run off digging for the giant cuff, but now that I look normal, they're always taken off guard when the small one doesn't fit).

It is the one spot on me that has not changed. These arms, they embarrass me. I look in the mirror and really, everything else looks pretty darn good, but the arms tell my story. They tell my secrets to the world: "she used to be almost 300 pounds!" There is no denying my fat history when anyone sees those arms. And it's time to do something about it.

Yeah, I hear all the "experts" saying "there is no such thing as spot reducing," blah blah blah, but I am not buying it. Maybe that's true for relatively thin/normal sized people or folks without a lot of weight to lose. Or maybe it is true for some large people. But I have noticed over the past 2+ years that the areas on my body that shrink in measurement are the ones I am working the most. I believe forming the muscle in any area makes it look better AND burns the fat surrounding the muscle. Which is why when I started to bike regularly, my entire butt/hip/thigh area started shrinking dramatically. So, for me, I think there is *some* correlation.

I've lost 50+ pounds but my arms lost nearly NO fat. I hardly ever use the triceps; I am sure that's part of the problem. So one of my goals over the next few months will be to shrink these darned arms! And using them regularly is the key. I'm diving back into strength training with a vengeance; it is something I enjoy, and I am going to put the focus on arm work (along with core exercises). I can't wait to measure those batwings and FINALLY see them starting to shrink! Because I am NOT going to cut the arms off my old 3XL shirts and sew them onto my new size L ones to create a garment that fits!

Time will tell... and strength training certainly can't hurt!

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An Answer! Finally!

Wow, 46 comments on my last post!! I guess there are more of us diehards out there reading blogs than I thought! Thanks for all the GREAT feedback. I am so happy for the reassurance not only to myself but to the rest of you guys, that we are not alone! The whole world is not stuffing themselves with fudge at this very moment. Thank goodness!

I woke up this morning... SICK AGAIN!! I could not believe it. Sore throat, severe headache, felt like a truck hit me. I got sick on December 6th, so I have been basically nonstop sick for over 3 weeks now. NOT good. I had a day here and there when I thought I was "better" but then I'd be sick again the next day. So finally, this morning I dragged myself out of bed and headed straight to the Urgent Care Clinic.

It's a good thing I did, because I have a pretty severe sinus infection. No wonder I felt so awful! Sinus infections are just exhausting and miserable. I know, because back when I weighed 278 pounds, I had constant, recurrent sinus infections that just would not go away. I was always on antibiotics. It was horrid. But I guess I forgot about that, because ever since I started losing weight and eating healthy in August 2007, I do not recall having even ONE sinus infection. But boy have I got one now! Three weeks of infection... I have really felt bad. But now the good doctor has me on a strong antibiotic, 3 times a day for 15 days, as well as some medicine for congestion. I still feel wiped out today, but very optimistic that FINALLY I will be getting well!

Also, I am once again at the beginning of my cycle, which means it should be much easier for me to eat healthy and not obsess about food over the next two weeks. I am glad for that.

My father passed away 20 years ago this week. It pains me a great deal to realize that he has now been gone from my life for longer than he was in it. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have him back for just one day! How I wish he had gotten to meet my children... ANY of them. He would've been a wonderful grandfather. He would've been so proud. I miss him so much. In his memory I'd appreciate it if you'd take a minute and read my post last year about my Dad. And then, if your father is still living, please call him, or hug him, or write him a note and tell him you love him, because you only get one Dad and they don't last forever. You just never know. Treasure your dad for me, would you? And maybe even leave me a comment telling me one thing your Dad did for you that you will never forget.

Thanks for hanging in there with me :)

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For the Diehards...

I take it not a whole heck of a lot of people are actually reading weight loss blogs today... everyone's got their heads in the sand pretending that what they eat for the next 5 days doesn't count because of the fresh start on January 1... right? Right??

(Actually the head-in-the-sanders are probably not reading this blog... but that's ok. When they come around we can leech off their new-years enthusiasm for a month or two and everyone will be happy!)

Yesterday I ate healthy in the morning, but had sugary stuff in the afternoon. I went way over my calories with a grilled ham sandwich for dinner, but I did make an effort: I biked TWO 30-minute sessions yesterday: once in the morning, and once at night. I also did 2 sets of 15 wall push-ups and the same number of crunches. It's my way of easing into the strength training program I am starting in January.

I woke up this morning at 5am with THE WORST migraine headache I have had in *years.* I get migraines occasionally, but this one was killer. I laid there writhing in pain for hours. It felt like I had a net over the entire surface of my brain... a net of PAIN over every square millimeter of my brain. Every tiny sound or speck of light magnified my pain times ten, and the nausea was just overwhelming. My stomach felt as if I would hurl any second and I dared not even swing my feet out of the bed to try and get to the kitchen for medication. Around 8:30 am I knew I HAD to get some medicine. I got to the kitchen, took some pills, and then went and laid in the shower for 45 minutes. It was INSANE. I was so freaking sick. Thankfully I am one of those people who gets some relief from simple Excedrin Extra Strength, so within an hour I was able to get dressed and have some mint tea to try and settle my stomach. It's been many hours now, my head throbs a bit and my nausea is still there (I just had a piece of toast) and I feel all-around horrid, but nothing like I did when I first woke up and just wanted to be put out of my misery.

I do think this Mother of all Migraines was triggered by a week of sugar overload. I used to get them frequently... and got headaches almost daily... but since changing my eating, the migraines and headaches have mostly abated. This one totally sucks, though.

So, I'm curious. Those of you here reading... what are you doing with the last 5 days of 2009? How are the holidays and approaching new year affecting your eating and exercise? Are you trying now? Waiting? Still 100% on plan? Or just making a half-hearted effort? Will anything change for you on January 1?

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Christmas Joy

I just had the *best* Christmas ever!! Well, maybe when the kids were all tiny, that was super fun, but I really enjoyed my Christmas today! All the kids were happy, everyone playing together and enjoying being home, and I was able to just relax and be happy. Last year was my very first year without having my children for Christmas, as the older ones all went to their father's for the very first time since we divorced a decade ago. Gosh I was sad last year, even though we celebrated a few days early and I tried to be excited, it hurt. This year I am acutely aware of what a blessing it is to have them here. I love them so much and I treasure every moment with them.

Last week I had been feeling sick and emotionally down. For the past few days I have been all kinds of off-plan, eating cookies, candy, potatoes, white bread, and cheese. No exercise, either... too busy, too full of food. But I noticed something. I got some comments and emails that mentioned how eating healthy supports the body, but when we eat junk, underlying and/or chronic conditions can come out as "sickness." I thought, ok, maybe. Well, the other day I decided I would eat a couple of healthy meals between all the junk. I had a nice veggie/Egg Beater breakfast, some Clementines, green tea. I had a healthy lunch. I was feeling great: energized, positive, light, healthy. Around 2pm I decided to have a cookie. I sat down and ate a homemade frosted sugar cookie... then another... then a piece of fudge. Within 20 minutes I felt like my "flu" was returning! My sinuses were congested, I was developing a headache, I felt tired and sick. I decided it was no coincidence. I think the sugar crap does a number on my body and my well-being.

Of course, that was not enough to keep me off the junk during Christmas. I still had a cookie here and there. Yesterday I went pretty overboard, actually. It's like each day that went by, I'd eat a little *more* junk. Two cookies on Monday, four on Tuesday, that kind of thing. By yesterday I had built up to an all-cookie diet (well, almost), and then we had prime rib for dinner. Today I got a few gifts of candy which I dove into, and then the ham and potatoes and rolls... well, I really overate.

My sinuses are all over the place with congestion, runny nose, pressure, sneezing. I also have begun my monthly trek through the valley of PMS (made worse by the sugar I've been eating). But still, today *was* the very best Christmas, and I am *so* happy and feel great! Yes, eating healthy and exercising and all IS an integral part of my life, but even when it isn't going so well, that "success" or "failure" DOES NOT have to define me! It is okay to be HAPPY even when the eating is screwy and the scale is up. It is not a *requirement* that you MUST FEEL GUILTY and BAD if you eat cookies and don't exercise. Sure, your body my feel worse. But if your mind is in a happy place and your emotions are bright, that is okay! You do not have to let a weight gain or a couple of unhealthy meals turn your opinion of yourself into something negative. I want to repeat this: It is OKAY to be happy, whether you are on plan or not!

And so, I feel ridiculously happy and content with my Christmas and my children and the lovely little necklace my daughter gave me and the brightly lit tree in the living room. I feel wonderful and amazing emotionally EVEN WITH the heartburn, sinus issues, bloating and PMS cramps. Crazy? Maybe. But better off-plan and happy than off-plan and depressed.

That said, I am so sick of sugar that I am ready to put myself back on track tomorrow morning. I feel very ready to get on that scale and see what it says, and watch that number go back down between now and January 1.

I wish you all a Christmas as amazing and happy as I had! Be well.

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The Resolution Habit

Is it Christmas Eve already?? You know what that means. One week until the throngs of fat and not-so-fat people jump on the bandwagon, join gyms, buy diet cookies, start their Day 1, and work really hard at losing weight (for about a week). I love the feeling of renewal and the big leap in the general public's interest in fitness, but I wish it would last past January. It will for me... how about you?

Looking back I remember how weight loss has been a part of my New Years Resolution all the way back to 1987, when I wrote in my diary that I wanted to lose something like 10 pounds (which, at the time, seemed an impossibly huge number!) I was only 18 and I weighed all of 140-143 pounds at 5'7. I got together with my best friend (who weighed about 5 pounds more than I did) and we started restricting our eating and trying to be randomly more active, in a disjointed way that only 18-year-olds can master. In 1988, I had the same resolution on my list. I still weighed the same, as my "dieting" efforts had failed. I was pretty active, walking to classes on a college campus all day, walking to and from the grocery store, running around with my friends all weekend without a car. After I resolved to lose weight, I found myself going to the college campus track to walk/jog (I think I went 2 or 3 times), the college gym to bike (once or twice), and the weight machines (once or twice... I felt ridiculous, since I was clueless about how to use them!) Finally life got busy and I gave up on dieting again. And you know why? It DID NOT AFFECT ME to weigh 140ish pounds! I fit in stylish clothes, I looked GOOD, I was able to walk long distances and run if need be and the farthest thing from my mind was worry that I wouldn't fit in a restaurant booth or would break a lawn chair when I sat in it. I didn't realize it at the time, but weighing 140 was OKAY. I think it was a very good weight for me and all I really needed was some strength training to firm up a bit. But I didn't know that, so I kept making Diet Resolutions every year. Because everything around me "told" me I was Fat, and the models in the magazines did not have ANY fat around their knees, so surely since I had tangible softness on my thighs I Must Be Fat. Even if there was not a fat roll or a layer of fat on any part of my body. So I figured something was wrong with me.

In 1989, I was married. I was 20 years old that December and losing weight had been on my radar once again until a few days before New Years' Eve when I started vomiting violently, every 15-20 minutes, round the clock for 2 days and became so weak I was in Emergency Clinic getting anti-vomiting meds. Turns out I was pregnant! Weight loss went on the back burner until nine months and 25 pounds later when my son was born. And don't you know that without ANY effort on my part, my body returned to 140 pounds within a matter of weeks! Do you think maybe my body knew what it was doing, keeping me at 140 pounds from the time I was 16, EVEN after having a baby? And yet, I argued with my body. No, I am Fat. I have soft thighs. They MUST go!

I never got a chance to diet in 1990 because within a couple months of my son being born, I was pregnant AGAIN (planned), so on New Years' Eve 1990, I was happily pregnant and planning to lose weight AFTER the baby was born. He was due on my son's first birthday and we couldn't be happier. When this much loved and wanted baby was lost four months along, that is when the weight problems came crashing down (up). I had gained weight already during the pregnancy, and after the baby was gone from my body, it seemed my mind and body both rebelled and continued to gain weight as if I were still pregnant. Depression, anger, being told I'd probably not have more children because of medical issues caused by the loss and surgery, all these combined and I began to turn to food, became a recluse emotionally and didn't even notice that I weighed 168 pounds until I finally became pregnant again, lost a twin, and had my second child in 1992. I'd gained about 20 pounds again during the pregnancy but after I gave birth my body automatically reverted to its new "normal": 168. This is when I started actively dieting with programs, classes, exercise, etc. And every year since then, I resolved to lose weight:

New Years Resolutions:
January 1, 1993: Weighed around 170, resolved to Lose Weight. Instead, had a baby again this year!
January 1, 1994: Weighed around 180, resolved to lose weight! Instead, I gained and got up to 199 before freaking out and starting a healthy eating and walking program. It worked! I lost 34 pounds.
January 1, 1995: Weighed around 165, resolved to lose weight! Instead, got pregnant and ended the year 9 months pregnant and 201 pounds.
January 1, 1996: Oh yes, I will lose weight this year! Joined a gym, started eating healthy and walking 4 miles a day, and got down to 174 pounds.
January 1, 1997: Oops, I gained weight: 187 pounds. I will surely lose weight this year! I did lose weight, but then started gaining again...
January 1, 1998: 227 pounds?? What happened?? A divorce? Oh. Well, I better drop some weight, right? Resolved to Lose Weight This Year!
January 1, 1999: 245 pounds? This is not going as I had planned...
January 1, 2000: 262 pounds!! Okay, I am serious, I WILL lose weight this year!!

And on it went, with my reaching 270 pounds, dieting down to 237 pounds, back up to 278 in 2005... down to 257 and up to 280 in 2007.

You can see how New Years' Resolutions have helped me.

Now, I just focus on some other "project" I want to accomplish during the coming year and try to make a plan for THAT to succeed. Because this losing weight thing, for me, no longer has a start point or an end point. Eating healthy and exercising just IS. It's an effort I make daily because it is part of who I am. It is an integral part of my life, not an on-again, off-again thing. I have good days and bad days. But I have FAR more good, healthy, on-plan days than bad anymore.

Well, if you need a start point, New Years' Day is as good as any. But make it your LAST start point. Not a yearly tradition.

Merry Christmas, and may the coming year be blessed for you and yours.

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Cookie Coma

Ahhhh, what a week it's been! Crazy good times and insane exhaustion. This week I made seven -- yes SEVEN -- kinds of Christmas cookies (all the same ones I made last year, of course... tradition!) and two kinds of fudge. Then, in the mail, came 2 huge bricks of expensive dark chocolate, a couple of fancy candy bars, a pound of hand-dipped chocolates, and some really delicious-looking cheese gifts. Wow! And the treat plates from the neighbors haven't even started rolling in yet. Husband bought a couple pounds of cheese, summer sausage, cartons of eggnog, bagels, bacon, etc. A lot of it I have not touched (especially that eggnog!! So NOT worth the calories... although I do enjoy a splash of LIGHT eggnog on my pumpkin oatmeal once in awhile!) I also took the littlest one to see Santa one day, took the kids to see the real reindeer in town another day, spent a LOT of time shopping (I am a major procrastinator on the Christmas shopping!) and finished decorating the living room (as I said... procrastinator!) I've been so busy for the last 2 days that I did not get out to take a walk EVEN THOUGH it was sunny and in the 40's and gorgeous weather. I wanted to. It really bothered me that I didn't get to. But I felt like if I didn't get that shopping, baking, and Santa-ing done NOW, I'd pay for it later. However, I did learn my lesson that had I not put it all off til the last minute, I could've been outside in the sunshine for two days rather than just gazing longingly out the window as I cooked and cleaned and wrapped presents. I am just hoping for ONE more nice day before the gloom and ice returns. I really want to get outside!

I also seem to be coming down with the same sickness I had last week AGAIN. It makes no sense. I was sick for a week and a half, then better for a couple of days, and now I feel like crap again. Feels like sinuses. Bad headache. So maybe I need to get in to a doctor soon. I am tired of feeling sick!

It doesn't help that a lot of those cookies and candies and crap have made their way into my mouth. I can usually handle a serving of sugary food after a healthy meal, but when the cookies BECOME the meal... meal after meal... I start feeling icky. I honestly haven't had the restraint I thought I'd have with this stuff. Stopped counting calories a couple days ago. As of yesterday, I still weighed 227. Today I didn't weigh, but I think I better turn this around before I end up gaining weight. I haven't "had time" (aka MADE time) to bike, either. Time to get my act together, eh?

Tomorrow, Wednesday, I will do right by myself and eat healthy meals and bike and get outside a bit. I hope I start feeling better because, IMO, I am "sick" way too much. I believe my stress level contributes significantly to my immune system's strength or weakness, and this has been a very stressful month. I'll take some vitamins and get myself to bed early tonight, and plan a really great day tomorrow. Because tomorrow is no different from any other day, and I have had enough cookies for this season. Well, I take that back. I really, really like the sugar cookies...

Will return with a good report tomorrow :)
How about you?

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Brighter Days

Today is a special day. It's Winter Solstice! Days have been getting shorter and shorter since mid-summer, but from now on they will start to get longer again. I couldn't be happier about that. And whether the marking of the *literal* solstice matters to you or not, perhaps you can appreciate, as I do, the simple concept that from today on out, things are just going to get brighter.

Today is the darkest day you'll have to deal with for another full year. Tomorrow the daylight will be a few minutes longer, and the next day, a few minutes more. Every day, week by week, you'll have more and more time with the sun, longer days, less darkness. It's good for your mood and energy level. But it's also nice in a figurative sense. I've been really struggling emotionally this week because of many stressful things that I have "let" bother me: financial issues, health concerns, not having my oldest son here for Christmas (he is heading to college in January, though, so that makes me proud), missing my father who died 20 years ago this month, marital issues, recovering from my illness, and teenager-behavior concerns. Each thing is like a splinter (some are more like porcupine quills) that, if not taken care of properly, continue to work their way deeper and deeper, causing a lot of discomfort and infection. I am itching to get these issues resolved and return to my desired state of happiness. Some are more difficult to remedy than others... but generally I'd say that today I am more *down* in mood than I have been all year. That's pretty much par for the course though; this time of year often troubles me a bit, with its combination of short days, gloomy skies, being housebound, and emotional crap that pops up in December.

Anyway, today I am breathing a true and literal sigh of relief for the Winter Solstice. I feel SO much more hopeful knowing that the darkest days are behind us and that things will only get better and brighter from today on out. I look forward to each day getting longer and building up through spring and summer and a return to warmth and sunshine and flowers and green. I can hardly wait! I am actually excited to have a fresh start of sorts today. I need it, mentally. I want to savor the optimism I hold that not only days, but life itself is going to just get better and brighter from here.

Weight this morning: 227.

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A Wish for You

I'm sure you're really busy this weekend. It's the last weekend before Christmas. I personally am going insane trying to finish my Christmas shopping with the kids all home from school and none of the items I have rain checks for ever actually being available for purchase. So anyway, with all the chaos (or, alternately, the loneliness and isolation; I know some of you are alone for the holidays and it just sucks), what are you doing for *you* this weekend?

Will you improve your health or make it worse this weekend?
Will you lose or gain weight?
Are you caring for your body and your emotions?
Are you making things better for yourself or spiraling down into a pit?

Today is the only day you have. Look in the mirror. What do you need? What do you see?

Don't let yourself get lost in the joy OR the sadness to the point of letting your body or your mental health deteriorate. It's tough sometimes but we gotta remember to take care of ourselves, whether we are busy or not, stressed or not, crying or not.

I wish you peace and clarity and the calm and strength to mold your life into what you want it to be. You can do it! One moment at a time.

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Two Weeks Left

I am finally over my sickness, which lasted a week and a half. I was really hating it. No energy whatsoever, constant headaches and fatigue. Thank goodness I am on the mend and can get on with the holiday excitement, including taking my little one to see Santa and his (real) reindeer, finishing up the shopping, and baking Christmas cookies and fudge!

For the last two weeks, my exercise efforts have been kind of frustrating. I really enjoy getting outside for a walk a couple of times a week, and I usually do that when the kids are all in school and my daughter is in preschool (twice a week). But there have been school delays, cancellations, ice storms, and temperatures in the teens. So I only got in one ten-minute walk over the past two weeks (well, mainly it was because I was sick... but other circumstances are conspiring too). I really miss my walks! And now that school is out until January, it doesn't look like I am going to get much walking in at all this month. (Yeah, I get all the comments of "just take the kids with you" etc, but trust me that would be a bad idea in this weather. My little one has health issues that would make such an action very unwise.) Anyway, I've been biking instead. It's just as effective, or maybe even more effective than a walk, but not as refreshing or stimulating or enjoyable for me. But I just do it anyway. I biked 6 days out of the past 2 weeks. The other days, I was just too sick. Now that I am back to better health, the biking will happen daily.

Yesterday I continued my "new plan" of eating *with* my cravings instead of against them, enjoying such carby, fatty, salty delights as chicken enchilada soup, a sandwich with veggies and herbed cream cheese, chocolate truffle Godiva coffee with half & half and sugar, chocolate pudding, chicken sausage, a cookie, and a yummy pile of mashed potatoes with butter melting over the top, generously salted. It was really good and I did not binge at all. And this morning I am down another pound, back to 226 (I had reached 229 on Wednesday). I totally expected to gain or maintain with the way I am eating the last couple of days but apparently my body knows what it needs, or something... which is confusing because in the past I have binged myself into oblivion giving in to my cravings. I am not sure what's so different this time. I still get the wild urge to binge every so often but I have been going into a dark bedroom, lying down for 10 minutes, just riding through it, trying to relax and breathe until it passes. Or until a kid comes and jumps on me.

I expect the rest of the month to be a challenge. Cookies, candy, fudge, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day traditional foods. One of the biggest challenges I face is crackers and cheese. It's one of my biggest binge foods. I mean I used to eat a good half pound of cheese and a whole box of crackers in a sitting. Something about the combination sends me to another world. It's like getting high. Seriously. I am not sure yet how I am going to handle it. My family *loves* the traditional spread of cheese, sausages, spreads, dips, and crackers. I am mulling it over to figure out what I am going to do with this. And finally, the anniversary of my father's sudden death is coming up. I do not cope well. I'll probably post about it. And try not to flip out and be a basket case about missing him.

Okay, so in 2 weeks it will be 2010. Whatcha gonna weigh on Jan 1? Two weeks... well you could weigh more, or less, or the same. Your choice! Try and let 2009 go out with some dignity and not spend the next two weeks bingeing and eating whatever garbage is put in front of you. Give yourself a Christmas give of self-respect. I may not lose a ton of weight in the next 2 weeks, but I am at least going to make my best effort to eat in a dignified manner.

Have a great weekend :)

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Trying Something New...

Well, after that weird hormonal binge and a gain of 2 pounds on the scale, I did some reading and thinking. I have found some evidence that suggests a reason for mid- to end-cycle binges, but I'm still pondering and will put that in another post. For now, let me share what I did to halt the "crazy rolling ball" of binge eating.

You know how once you screw up and binge, it is easier to do it again the next day? Harder to quit? It is for me, anyway. And with the hormonal stuff that's going on, I had to make a decision about how I am going to handle it.

If you haven't read my previous post, you might want to do so. By way of background, my female cycles seem to have something to do with my eating habits:

Days 1-14 or so, it is easy to eat healthy. I do not think or obsess about food AT ALL. I feel:
happy
positive
calm
light
energetic
awake
friendly
focused

Then somewhere around Day 15, I lose it. I start thinking about food ALL THE TIME. I crave fats, refined carbs, and sugar. I feel:
irritable
distracted
annoyed
worried
heavy
tired
like I want to withdraw
scattered

Those feelings stick around for about a week. Then, the cravings calm. But instead of feeling happy and energized, I feel exhausted from fighting the tiredness and irritability of the previous week. So the last week of my cycle feels:
defeated
tired
confused
like I am trying to get my feet back under me

Interesting? I've charted for 3 months now and this is pretty consistent.
As for the hormones, days 1-14 are predominated by estrogen. Then, mid-cycle, estrogen fades and progesterone increases. During that third week when I have difficulty, progesterone is at its peak. And, as I mentioned, there are actual scientific studies that suggest that people with binge eating disorders and bulimia are heavily influenced by these hormones, and that binges are far more common during the second half of the menstrual cycle.

Now. Do I throw up my hands and say, "oh well! Can't fight nature!" and eat a pie? Nah. But I am also *not* going to fight and struggle and battle during the third week the way I have been. It is EXHAUSTING.

What I had been doing: trying to force myself to eat the same way throughout my cycle. No matter how I felt or what was going on with my body, I wanted to eat my 3 healthy, veggie-filled meals. I wanted week 3's food diary to look the same as week 1's. But it never does. It looks like this:

Forced 3 healthy meals and 2 snacks PLUS a bunch of binge food = 2500-3500 calories/day.

So this time, knowing that my *body* is actually different and being aware of how I feel, I decided to try a new approach: for this one week, JUST focus on making sure I do not go over 1700 calories a day, and making sure I bike 30 minutes. Period. If the 1700 calories is made up of cake and potato chips, so be it. I have to bend a bit to make this work.

Yesterday was my trial of this new plan. I felt pretty lousy and all I really wanted to eat was junk... carbs.... candy. This is very different from how I feel during the first two weeks of the month, when I crave vegetables and am just not hungry very often and don't care about food as much. So yesterday, here's what I ate:

Godiva chocolate truffle coffee with half & half and agave nectar, 1 egg over easy, 1 buttered wheat toast, 1 Clementine
A 2-pack of dark chocolate Reeses peanut butter cups
A large slice of pepperoni pizza
A sample cup of Starbuck's Gingerbread latte with whipped cream
A tall glass of orange juice
crackers and cheese
2 handfuls of Hershey's Bliss chocolates with mint centers (9 pieces)
A large cup of homemade chicken/veg stock
String cheese
Godiva vanilla truffle coffee with half & half and sugar

I tell you what. Eating all that chocolate and the carbs I craved felt REALLY good. I know it was not the ideal nutrition but like I said, I am tired of fighting my body on this and I am going to give this new method a shot, JUST for the days my hormones are wacky.

Oh, by the way, the total calories for yesterday: 1601. I biked 30 minutes. And I dropped those 2 binge pounds right back off this morning. Imagine that! Two pounds gone even though I ate pizza and chocolate. I am calling it a success.

Today I actually feel a little better, maybe because now I am not all stressed out about my cravings. I know if I want a candy bar, I'll have it. Maybe for dinner. And I know now that this is *temporary* and hormonal and in another week I will feel much better and be able to focus and eat my usual healthy foods.

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You Know It's A Binge When...

You know it's a binge when...

-you stop counting calories
-you lose count of how many pieces of pizza you ate
-you guzzle orange juice instead of water
-you eat globs of cream cheese straight off the knife
-you break into your kids' Christmas candy and eat some of it
-you pour yourself a bowl of trail mix when you don't even LIKE trail mix and it is 250 calories for 3 TABLESPOONS
-you consider eating the leftover Halloween candy
-you make a big cup of coffee loaded with sugar and cream at 8pm
-you want Ritz but there are no Ritz so you eat some crackers you don't even like
-you eat most of the above in private, carefully sneaking around so no one will see you
-you feel incredibly ill and guilt-ridden
-you go to bed with heartburn and wake up with a headache
-you gain 2 pounds overnight

Yes. It happened again. I feel absolutely angry, sad, and disappointed in myself. Last night I felt sick, still. I had eaten very little all day... on the order of 350 calories (first mistake). Then in the evening it hit me. I HAD to eat, I wanted carbs, I wanted fat and sugar. I tried to tame it and eat reasonable amounts but before I could blink an eye I was shoveling food into my mouth with abandon. It really pisses me off.

For three months I have been writing notes on a small paper planner: how many calories I eat each day, my weight, my exercise, my mood, days I feel extra hungry, and my binges. I've always logged calories and weight on Sparkpeople, but this paper journal has given me new insight, especially as I look at it this morning. What I noticed:

My eating is almost directly related to my female cycle/hormones. For the first 2 weeks of each month, my eating has been pristine! It is *easy* for me to eat 1200-1600 calories a day. I *never* go over. I feel great, I lose 4 or 5 pounds during that first 2 weeks. Then, midcycle, I seem to crash. EVERY binge or out-of-control eating session in the past 3 months has been right after the middle of my cycle. Every single one! The third week of the month is torture for me. I am hungry, moody, tired, and pacing around wanting to overeat. I gain weight during that week. Then the last week of the month, I get a grip (although it is not as easy as the first two weeks) and drop a couple pounds back off.

Why?? I don't really get this, but I think it *must* be hormone-related. I'm going to be doing some research on female hormone cycles, which hormones hit when, and the known effects of those hormones. And then I will try and make a plan to prevent the insanity *next* month.

I am disappointed, but I am also aware that having a binge or two per month, at a certain time of month, is far, FAR better than my "old" life of bingeing almost daily. The months of eating whole cakes and pint after pint of ice cream and whole packages of hot dogs and Cheetos... those days are gone. I am so thankful. When I was eating like that, I once gained 40 pounds in 3 months. And I once gained 80 pounds in about 10 months. I think if I had not stopped when I did, I'd be either completely immobile or dead by now. So I am quite thankful for the progress I've made.

Another thought I've had... my binge was not triggered by any emotional *event* yesterday. It was sheer *desire to stuff food into my mouth*... it was internal, body-driven, and not thought-driven. Not sure what difference that makes, but I'll note it for future reference.

Goal: no more binges or out-of-control eating this month. I do *feel* like overeating today, but I am going to do my best to control it and feel myself high volume, high nutrition, low calorie foods like roasted broccoli today. And I *think* I feel better enough (from my sickness) to bike tonight.

Keep on working at it... we'll get it right.

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Something New: Persimmons!

If you're like me, you may have noticed persimmons at the grocery store but had no idea how to choose one, what to do with them, or what they are for. Up until now, I never tried any type of persimmon. So I figured it was time to do a little research and give them a shot.

There are two main kinds of persimmons usually found at the grocery store: Fuyu and Hachiya. It's important to know which you are getting, because:

Fuyu persimmons are eaten while still firm and taste fine.

Hachiya persimmons are eaten when they are so ripe they are almost mushy. If you try to eat a firm one you will run screaming and spitting to the trash can and never want to try a persimmon again in your life. Bad, bad, bad. Do Not Try a firm Hachiya persimmon!

So you have to know which one you are getting.

Above: the squat, round persimmon I am holding on the left is a Fuyu. The two longer, pointier ones are Hachiyas.

When you cut into a Fuyu, it looks like this:

Pretty, huh? You can slice it up like that and it would look really nice on a fruit plate or as a garnish. But you can just wash the Fuyu and eat it like an apple, skin and all. It's kinda crisp, not quite as crisp as an apple. And you *can* let it ripen further to get sweeter. Personally? I am not a fan. Not as sweet or tart as an apple. Kind of bland, IMO. In fact, the only way I would eat one again is to dice it and put it in a green salad. I think it would be good like that. Good meaning okay... not good meaning fantastic like pomegranates in salad.

Above is the Hachiya persimmon. It also has the same pretty pattern when sliced in half, but I just cut a sliver off this one. You can probably tell it is way softer and juicier than the Fuyu. In fact you are supposed to let the Hachiya soften to the extreme, until as one website put it "you can almost suck the flesh out of it" instead of biting. So I did that, and it was pretty tasty. Better than the Fuyu, much sweeter. But sweet was the defining taste for me. It is so hard to define the flavor. Just sweet. Not much else. So once again, this is not something I would purchase and eat again unless I had some recipe I wanted to try it in.

Persimmons have about 110 (or more) calories each, and they are much smaller than an apple so I'd go with an apple for a snack, myself. They also have 70% of your RDA of Vitamin A, though, which is great, and 20% of your RDA of Vitamin C and 167% of the RDA of B2. These figures are variable depending on what source you get your nutrition facts from and which kind of persimmon you're eating.

So, yeah, they are worth trying. Maybe you will love them. Persimmons are in season from now through January so if you want to give them a try, now's the time! Personally, I will stick to pomegranates.

p.s.... I have been sick for over a week now. I think I may be *starting* to feel better but it has taken a toll. I have not been able to exercise in several days (truly unable, much too sick) but have stayed within my calories until last night when I had some toast before bedtime. I ended up with 2030 calories. Funny thing is, all week I was staying closer to 1400-1500 calories because I felt so bad but the scale popped back up to 227 a few days ago. Kinda ticked me off to see a 2-pound gain when I was eating within my range AND was still biking, but I think I must be retaining water or something because I am sick. I'm hanging in there.

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Still Sick, but NSVs

I am beyond irritable today, with hormonal mid-cycle moodiness plus once again feeling awful with this sickness, BUT I wanted to give a brief post with a couple of nice NSVs (non-scale victories).

1) Yesterday I attended my first holiday event/gathering (I *was* feeling like I was over this sickness yesterday) where there was a spread of Christmas treats. When I saw the long table loaded with every possible kind of cookie, I stopped and thought for a minute. I could allow myself one. I was letting my kid choose one, and I just decided that it was not that important to me *in that moment* and I didn't want one that badly. So I had *nothing.* And I did not feel deprived. I rather enjoyed sitting there watching my daughter savor her cookie instead!

2) Yesterday I was in the kitchen when my husband said, "are those new jeans?" I said no, and he said, "They look really good. They make your butt look smaller!" Ha! I love it. This is a BIG deal to me coming from the man who did not notice I was loosing weight until I had dropped over 50 pounds. So yeah. My butt IS smaller!

3) I have homemade spaghetti sauce and meatballs (from the freezer) in the crockpot for dinner tonight. I feel terribly sick at the moment, and oddly enough, when I feel nauseous the only thing I can stand to eat is simple carbs. (This has been true for 2 decades. When I was vomiting every 10 minutes during pregnancy, the only thing I could keep down was sugar cereals like Apple Jacks. Something I almost *never* buy!) I am fine on my calories so far, and I am going to allow myself what I *really* want for dinner, which is a piece or two of french bread dipped in sauce, and maybe a piece of turkey sausage. Lower volume and no steamed veggies is probably a better option for me today. And I am NOT going to bike tonight. I biked all week and I need a day off.

I hope you're enjoying the holiday season and not swinging to either extreme of deprivation or gobbling up everything in sight, because January 1st is not going to be some magic switch that changes your life. May as well make use of the last bit of 2009. Two weeks can make a big difference... will you be heavier or lighter than you are today on New Year's Eve? It's your choice.

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Better is Good Enough

I think one of the reasons I've hung in there with this whole weight loss thing is that I am not terribly perfectionistic with my eating. Yeah, I eat butter. I enjoy cheese. I eat sugar sometimes. Pizza. Bacon. Stuff that diet purists gasp in disgust about. You CAN'T eat sausage and lose weight! Oh my gosh! You HAVE to eliminate every.last.morsel from your diet that is not pure and holy. Or Else.

Well, I am sure that works for some people, and that's great! Really. But coming from a life punctuated by gallons of ice cream, sleeves of Pringles and liters of Coke, becoming a diet purist just is not on my "doable" list. I am 40 years old. I am willing to change some things, yes. Like cutting out fast food, and learning to eat lots of veggies. But no chocolate? Ever? That is just never going to happen.

I've become really comfortable with accepting that doing *better* is often good enough. I do not have to Do It Perfect; I do not have to follow someone else's Perfect Plan. I do not have to do everything 100% "right" because, frankly, not only is there no "right," but 100% is impossible and frustrating to aim for. If I improve my eating and behaviors *most* of the time, I see results.

Today my family went out for lunch. It was a diner-type place that we have never been to before, and the menu was typical of diners: burgers, fries, shakes, pies. The "salads" looked like they would leave a lot to be desired (pile of iceberg, tomato wedge, couple pieces of ham, full fat dressing) and the only chicken on the menu was breaded and fried. Soup? Forget it, the only one they offered was a heart-stoppingly rich, cream-based clam chowder. They had all kinds of greasy fried sandwiches, too, like my old favorite, the Reuben. So, what would you do?

Aim for "perfect" and get a tasteless, unsatisfying iceberg salad.
Give up because you can't be perfect and get a bacon cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.

How about a happy medium?

I started by ordering water to drink, because drinks are just not all that important to me and are an easy place to save calories. Then I looked over the menu and found one of my favorite foods: a turkey club. Yum! I asked them to make it on whole grain bread and "hold the cheese." (A personal mini-rule I have is: cheese is fine. But if there is cheese AND mayo, don't have both! One is enough for flavor). My side dish choices were potato salad, fries, or a "side salad" so I chose the side salad with blue cheese dressing on the side (they did not have a vinaigrette).

Along came my plate: turkey breast, lettuce, and tomato layered with 3 slices of whole grain toast, mayo, and bacon. I pulled my usual club sandwich shenanigans and dismantled the sandwich, pulling out the center piece of toast and about half the mayo, removing the fatty edges of the bacon, and the reassembling the sandwich. (Yeah, I am a fun date. No, I wouldn't do that in an upscale restaurant, but then, I wouldn't be eating a turkey club. I'd be ordering halibut or sturgeon or something. Given the deer heads leering at me from the walls of this diner, I figured no one would care that I was making a mess of my sandwich. If you are more anal than I am, you can ask the waitress to leave out the center piece of toast, use half the mayo, and make the bacon extra well done. But it is funner to shred the sandwich with your fingers). I then ate the sandwich but left the crust. The "side salad" was in fact about 3/4 cup of shredded iceberg, a few diced tomatoes and a little cuplet of dressing on the side. I ate the salad, tasteless as it was, just for filler. I pretty much left the dressing off, though. Not worth it.

Dessert? Nah. I was full.

So, you see, I had my delicious turkey club with BACON and MAYO on crispy hot toast and it was so yummy that I didn't even consider dessert or fries or any other crap. Diet purists all over the world are passing out in disbelief that I call eating bacon and mayo a success. But I do, and it is! What I ate today at lunch was 1000 times better than anything I *would* have ordered a few years ago, or anything I would have ordered had I "given in" to the call of greasy burgers and fries. How many calories do you think I saved? Several hundred, at least. 100 in cheese, 200 in burger meat, 150 in soda, 400 in fries... something like that, not to mention dessert. Yeah, I did great. I am happy.

Better is only good enough, though, if it is reasonable. I mean, you have to think, better than WHAT? It has to be better ENOUGH to make a difference in your weight. I used to eat 5 candy bars at a sitting, but that doesn't mean I can be happy eating three or four candy bars now instead, because that is "better" than eating five. The "better" has to be in context. It has to work for you.

But when you think you have to be perfect and only eat veggies and salad and grilled chicken you *might* be setting yourself up for distress when the day comes that you cannot have or do not want to have that kind of meal. You will be at your mother-in-laws and she will have made her famous family recipe lasagna *just for you* and you will not be able, in that moment, to say "no thank you, I brought this chicken breast in a baggie" and you will eat that lasagna. And if you are all Diet Purist Perfectionistic, that will spiral you into a vortex of shame, guilt, anger, and regret. It's a piece of lasagna! Get over it. Eat more salad with it or something. Just do better. Better is okay. You do not have to lose 20 pounds a month to be a success.

In the context of my day, I am well. For breakfast I had a delicious Chai tea latte, a big bowl of oatmeal with pumpkin, flax, walnuts, cinnamon, vanilla, brown sugar, and milk, and green tea. As a snack in the afternoon, I had a french vanilla cappuccino and a bite of donut. (Yes, A Bite!). Dinner was a nice helping of cabbage roll casserole and a handful of fresh blackberries. So, that turkey club at the diner was just fine, in context. I ate 1286 calories today (so far... I may have a 100-calorie cup of pudding before I go to bed). I biked for 30 minutes. I feel great aside from this weird cold/flu thing I am fighting.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Enjoy your food. Be moderate. Do better. Not perfect.

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Motivation

For the last couple of days, I've been eating a little more and not exercising because I've been sick. I try to eat according to appetite (i.e., listening to my body) within a range of 1200-1700 calories per day. And I try to exercise for 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week. I did stay within my calorie range, but didn't exercise, and with all the higher carb, saltier types of foods I was eating and the tons of water I continued to drink, I wondered if I might have a bit of a gain on the scale. But, ya know, just the other day I was saying how happy I am to be in the 220's and how seeing 227 on the scale was just fine with me. I've been in a mindset of being really okay with a bit of a plateau for a week or two if need be.

So this morning I got on the scale expecting another 227, but instead got 225! Wha??? I got on and off a couple of times but indeed I now weigh 225. I'll take it! A whoosh is always nice.

The last time I weighed 225 was on 4/8/09... eight months ago. And the last time I weighed 224? 12/15/08... almost a year ago. Wow. I really am thrilled!

I'm almost over my flu/cold/whatever it was, but still have a headache. It is really cold outside but I have some shopping to do and errands to run, and I plan to take a 10 or 15 minute walk in the sunshine (just until I am too cold to be comfortable). I'll also bike for 30 minutes tonight.

One of my usually wonderful, almost-adult kids is giving me major amounts of stress right now. MAJOR. One thing he is teaching me is that if one is not motivated to do a particular thing, no amount of consequences will budge you. Being too fat to walk, hurting whenever you move, acid reflux, heart palpitations, acne, fatigue, clothes not fitting, pants having holes worn between the thighs, busting out in fat rolls all over, seclusion, inability to fit in chairs... all of those things might *seem* like they would force someone to lose weight, but if a person is not motivated FROM WITHIN, they will keep on plugging along, eating what they want, not changing, even with all of those embarrassments and discomforts. A vague desire to "be thin" is not motivation. You might *want* to be thin but unless you are motivated and determined to do the work to get there, you'll just sit suffering and miserable and blaming everyone and everything else and not make any changes. The desire to change has to come from within.

My kid isn't fat, but that is what he has taught me with the *other* issues he is going through right now. And no matter what consequences I impose or what effects come naturally to him because of his behaviors, he will not change until he is motivated to do so from within. And neither will you.

Nurture your motivation, people. It's the only way you'll get to your goals. Motivation, determination, and just plain commitment.

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Half Portions, Double Portions

Back before I was trying to lose weight, I still thought about portions a lot. Except the thinking was, "How big of a portion can I snag" or "How many portions of this can I eat before I am too stuffed?" It was all about getting the biggest, the most. Kinda shameful, actually, now that I think of it. I mean, I would definitely NOT say I was ever a "selfish" kid or person in my life, but somehow when it came to food, I always wanted more.

Cut a pie in eighths, put it in front of me, and as long as "other people" weren't watching, I'd eyeball each piece and take the biggest one.
Walking through the grocery store and picking out a slab of bakery cake (or a whole cake, sometimes), I'd hold each one up to eye level and find the one with the most frosting.
Send me to a potluck, and after my first plate of food, I'd look around and see if anyone else was getting seconds. If *anyone* was, I was, too. Big heaping seconds. And when everyone else was off playing games and socializing, I was sneaking off "to the bathroom" or "to check on the kids" so I could snag another cookie or brownie off the food table.
Put a pizza on the table, and I'd eat as much as I could possibly get into my body, which was often at least 6 pieces.

Even when I started trying to lose weight, I played the portion game. "Oh, one banana has 110 calories? Okay, I will take that HUGE one." As if a HUGE banana had the same amount of calories as a SMALL banana (that is how I treated it, and how I counted it in my calories). Same for any other food. A big piece of cake must have the same calories as a small one. A large apple? Same as a small one. Silly. After I realized I was doing this, I started paying more attention to my choices. Why not pick the SMALL banana? If you're going to count any banana as 110 calories, you still save calories choosing the small one, whether you count it differently or not!

An even more advanced concept is that of half portions. This is something I learned over the past 2 years. Here it is:

Just because a serving is ONE cup of pasta or ONE apple or 13 crackers, you do NOT HAVE TO EAT THAT MUCH!

Whoa. What a concept! You know, it never even occurred to me when I was heavier to eat a HALF serving. I would "limit" myself to one serving, often. But I never realized that I could be fine with even *less* than a serving.

Examples:
Whenever I have crackers now, I give myself a half serving. Usually that is 6-9 crackers. And usually that is plenty!
Whenever I have pasta, I have a HALF cup.
When I have any kind of casserole or fatty side dish, I give myself a HALF helping.
I often make myself a half sandwich for lunch.
When I go to a restaurant, I almost always cut my food in half right away and box half up for another meal.
I order a cup of soup instead of a bowl of soup.
I order a small rather than a medium or large ANYTHING.
And you know what? Half is just as satisfying! Try it! After all, if you have your half serving and find it was not enough, you can always go back for the other half, right?? So you lose nothing!

There is something to be said for learning to be satisfied with less.

Now, there is an exception to this rule. This is something I learned in the past year. This is the rule of DOUBLE Portions:

If it is a vegetable, and not loaded with fat/sauces, take a DOUBLE serving.

Examples:
When I sit down to dinner, I give myself two large helpings of carrots, salad, green beans, broccoli, and/or whatever other veggie is on the table.
When I order any meal out, I ask for extra veggies, no butter/sauces. I might even ask for more veggies instead of rice or pasta.
I get a large salad instead of small (with dressing on the side).

Both rules in action:
Last night's dinner was pot roast, mashed potatoes (made with skim milk), low fat gravy, steamed green beans, and carrots that cooked with the roast. My plate had HALF portions of meat, potatoes, gravy, and DOUBLE portions of green beans and carrots:
2-3oz pot roast, 1/4 c potatoes, drizzle of gravy, cup of carrots, cup of green beans.

Do you think I was hungry afterwards??
No!

I was full on less calories because of using the Half and Double Portions rules.

I made these up as I went along because it works for me. Maybe it will work for you, too! Give it a try next time you eat, and see if you don't feel more satisfied!

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Short Update

Just a little helloooo to say, I am still emotionally in a happy place but seem to have come down with some kinda flu late Saturday. Headache, extreme fatigue, sore throat, terrible brain fog. I can't remember what I am doing from one minute to the next, so a coherent post is probably out of the question for now. I did get the tree up (boy it was tough, I took Excedrin, we did lights first and then ornaments later, then today hung stockings. Still haven't gotten all the decorations out). I still weigh 227 which is awesome! My eating is 100%. I took yesterday off from exercise, and today I took a ten minute walk outside but that is my limit right now. I threw a pot roast in the crock pot for dinner tonight which takes no brains and no effort: spray crock with Pam, stick a roast in there (I used a 3-4 pound 7-bone roast, which had almost no bone at all), then smear a can of Healthy Request Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup over the meat, then sprinkle a packet of Lipton Onion Soup Mix on that and mash it around into the soup with a fork, then pour 3/4 of a can of water around the meat. Cook 8 hours on low. I plan to throw a few carrots in there if I have any, about halfway through. Easy, and makes its own great gravy (which I de-fat, season with pepper, and thicken with cornstarch if necessary). I have a pot of kale & onions simmering on the stove, too, for lunch.

Okay, my brain hurts, I am done! See ya tomorrow!

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Feeling Great!

Today, I weigh 227 pounds. And it feels SO RIGHT. It feels like I am finally *exactly* where I should be both physically and mentally. You might think that's a really strange thing to hear from a woman who is at least 70 pounds overweight, but I am not talking about reaching a destination here. I am not talking about BMI charts or desired outcomes or clothing sizes. I am talking about my actual weight *finally* matching my mental and emotional weight. Let me explain.

Sometimes, you feel like you weigh a LOT more than you really do. Other times, you feel like you weigh far less than you really do. In both cases, the head games can be uncomfortable. You look in the mirror and gasp, because the person you see is either MUCH fatter or far thinner than you expected. Your mental image does not match your actual physical state. And there is discomfort at the *thought* of being a certain weight when your brain is not actually *there.* Like, when I weighed 233 a week ago, I felt like I was TOO FAT. When I weighed 214 a year and a half ago, I felt like I was TOO THIN. In both cases I was not comfortable with my body and it caused me a bit of emotional distress. Not a lot, but enough to notice.

When you're on a weight loss journey, especially a long one with ups and downs (and having a touch of body dysmorphia), BEING the weight that you IMAGINE yourself to be can be a rare thing. Finding a moment where you body reality and brain image coincides is a grand thing and feels just, well, delightful. And that's where I am right now.

I feel absolutely at home with my 227-pound body. I am happy. Oh yes, I am intent on losing more weight and getting well below 227, but somehow, right now the 220's feels like right where I need to be, mentally, emotionally. So I'll enjoy it, and hope that by the time I melt away another 8 pounds my brain is ready to see 219 on the scale.

This week I biked most days (30 minutes) and walked once (about 35 minutes). Some of the stuff I ate was:

grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup
barbecued pork ribs, mashed potatoes and green beans
oatmeal cooked with butternut squash, apples, cinnamon, and pumpkin, topped with slivered toasted almonds, maple syrup, pomegranate arils, and milk
Chai tea lattes (with agave nectar)
cornbread chili pie with sour cream
butternut squash macaroni and cheese
big spinach salads with Gorgonzola, crumbled bacon, pine nuts, and apple cider dressing
chocolate mousse

Yeah. No deprivation here! Life is good.

An aside...
You may recall that in September, I swore off all fast food. This was difficult for my 4-year-old, who had been getting a Happy Meal almost every week (chicken nuggets, fries, juice box). She LOVED those things. For the first two weeks, every time she saw a McDonalds she had a breakdown. She asked, she begged. "PLEASE Mommy! YOU don't have to get anything if you don't like McDonald's! Just get me some nuggets!" The next few weeks were grumbles of, "Mommy USED to take me to McDonald's, but she doesn't anymore." I had explained a bit about the salt and grease. I had baked her some nuggets and fries at home. She got used to it. She quit asking. Then, last week her dance instructor handed out (gasp) coupons for free chicken nuggets. When my daughter saw the coupon she lit up and jumped with joy! She was so excited (in fact, the coupon was part of a reward she earned in class). After some thought, I told her, "Okay. I will take you through the drive-through and we will pick up your free nuggets and some fries, and we will go home and you can have that for lunch. But this is a one-time thing. We are not going to keep going to McDonald's." She was thrilled!

We went and got her food (I got nothing, I am NOT going back to that place!) She sat down at the table and enjoyed every single bite. She really mmmmm-ed and ahhhh-ed over those nuggets and fries, which she hadn't had in two and a half months. And two hours later, she had some really bad diarrhea. She was on the toilet all evening pooping out greasy nastiness. I guess her body just isn't used to that garbage anymore! No fever, no other "sick" symptoms, so I feel sure it was the McDonald's. She was fine by morning, and she said, "I am NEVER eating McDonald's again!" Lesson learned!

We got our Christmas tree today and I am basking in the wonderful fir tree scent wafting through my living room. Tomorrow we'll play Christmas music and hang lights, ornaments, and candy canes on the tree. I am so excited! I can't wait! Life is good.

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Roots of Christmas Cookie Longings

Well, the Christmas Cookies started creeping into my brain yesterday. It happens every year, those cookies. Ever since I started celebrating Christmas when I was 18, I've had a mad affair with them. You see, I spent a lot of years in my childhood seeing *other* kids eat those beautiful Christmas cookies, but not being allowed to have any myself.

I started out my life with the usual holiday excitement in December: a lighted tree, trips to see Santa, special cookies and treats and cards on the wall, and presents on Christmas. When I was five years old (old enough to notice), my mother changed religions and we no longer celebrated Christmas at all. The month of December, when my friends, neighbors and schoolmates were excitedly talking about Christmas, became a month of confusion for me as a small child. Christmas was now "wrong" and "bad," and I was forbidden to partake in the seasonal traditions in any way. Back in the day, they even used to have Christmas at school. There were decorations everywhere. I'd go to art class and be given a project of coloring a picture of Santa and gluing cotton balls on his beard, and I'd say, "I'm not allowed to do that." I'd be singled out with an alternate project (snowman) and have to field questions about why I was different. I'd go to music class and stand silently as the other children sang "We wish you a Merry Christmas" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." I got kicked out of orchestra because I wouldn't play Christmas carols in the concert. But the worst part every year in Elementary School was the class Christmas party. I dreaded it as much when I was 10 as I did when I was 5 years old.

It would start in early December, with the teacher instructing everyone to write their names down on a slip of paper and put them into a fishbowl. Then each child would draw a name for the present exchange that would happen during the class Christmas party.

I hated it. I hated sitting there not putting my name in the bowl, and standing there not taking a name FROM the bowl. All the kids thought I was strange, or selfish, or poor, or stupid. It sucked. They'd all stand around chattering excitedly about what they were going to get for each other, who got whom in the draw, and which kind of cookies their mother was bringing to the party. And I stood in the back, alone.

All month long, Christmas treats would pop up. In the cafeteria, they'd hand out frosted Christmas sugar cookies, and I'd go through the line and shake my head and say "no thank you." Teachers would hand out candy canes or small treats and I'd say "no thank you." And then the culmination of my discomfort: the class Christmas party.

Instead of just keeping me home that day or offering to come and pick me up early, my mother insisted I go to school and "learn to stand by my faith and be an example of what is right" (a heavy burden for a 5 or 6 year old). And so every year, I was there when we were sitting in class doing our math and suddenly "Santa" would burst into the classroom with a "Ho Ho Ho!" and all the children would jump up squealing with delight. He'd open his bag and start handing out goodies... mothers would enter the classroom with plates of cookies and cupcakes... and kids would break out their brightly wrapped gifts to exchange with each other. And I would sit in the hall.

As soon as Santa entered, I'd be ushered out to the stark hallway to sit on a hard chair for an hour while the parties went on. I could hear the laughter. I could smell the frosting. Kids would walk past me in the hallway and wonder what kind of trouble I was in that I was excluded from the Christmas party. They'd laugh at me. They'd say "wow you must have done something really bad!" They'd smirk and take bites of cookies as they went by. And I'd sit there, praying. Thinking about how I was the only one doing the "right thing" and how God must be very pleased with me. And then I'd go home to a house devoid of any celebration or brightness, and a mother who was oblivious to how isolated I truly felt. To a mother who didn't realize how greatly it affected me to remember being 5 and having Christmas, and then suddenly never again have a frosted sugar cookie or a candy cane or a wrapped present again in my life.

You'd think that when I grew up I'd just get over this stuff. I decided when I was 18 to go back to a semi-"normal" life and celebrate Christmas with the rest of Christian America. I decided I wanted my kids to enjoy a lighted tree and giving gifts and all the other traditions that go along with this holiday. But I am *not* over it, it deeply affected me and my mother never gave me a bit of comfort over the emotional isolation I endured at school. And as a result, I sort of tend to go overboard with my own kids at Christmastime. It is MY Christmas too. It is every present I never opened or gave, it is every Christmas cookie I never got to eat in school. It is every piece of Christmas fudge I watched my classmates eating. It is like you put that me-child into a windowless room full of Christmas and let her have everything she ever missed, without the attached guilt. That's how Christmas cookies are for me.

I make them every year. I am obsessive about it. I want to see my kids enjoy them. I love giving them to people. I love seeing Christmas cookies all over my kitchen and knowing that IF I WANT ONE I can have it. I CAN and no one is there taunting me or sitting me in the hallway while they indulge.

I AM going to make cookies for Christmas every year for the rest of my life. I am as protective of that as anyone could possible be, and if I even *consider* not making Christmas cookies, my claws come out and I start flipping. This is something that just *is.* I think my childhood experience has made it so, and I am not interested in *fixing* it. I gave up baking for 11 other months of the year to make my life healthier, but Christmas baking is going to happen, without guilt, and I am going to enjoy every second of it.

I've discovered that I don't have to EAT a bunch of cookies to get the absolute comfort and happiness of Christmas cookies. It's the baking, the making them with my kids, the decorating them, the watching others enjoy them... it's the PERMISSION to have them that I need. And I have that. I do watch myself, and limit the number of days cookies are around. I do allow myself some Christmas cookies... it sort of feels like I am healing the inner child somehow... not with food really, but with the whole normalcy and embrace that Christmas feels like to me. I need that. I need a tree with lights, and a present to open, and Christmas music.

So yesterday when I started getting emails with photos and recipes for "new" types of Christmas cookies in them, I started to drool. I thought about making every single type that I saw. I worried about how I would manage to limit myself to just a few types of cookies to bake. I started to save the recipes on my computer, and then, I just didn't. I deleted them. Because really, my soul is completely soothed by the simple tree-shaped frosted sugar cookies that I remember seeing my classmates eat as a child. A couple of chocolate crinkles, some molasses cookies, a bit of fudge. It's enough. It makes me happy. The point isn't to add fancier and "better" cookies and treats every year. The point is tradition and enjoyment. And I can do that with what I have.

Maybe you want Christmas cookies, too. Maybe it reminds you of baking with your Grandma, or the family gatherings of your childhood, or special holidays with your Dad. Whatever. It's ok. Food associations are not BAD. Just be aware. Explore your reasons and your feelings. Decide what it will take to bring you that feeling of connection and comfort, and let it be. Have your cookie if it makes you happy. Just understand it and plan for it. A few cookies in December will not destroy an entire year of healthy eating, but denying ones' self an emotional connection might. Know yourself, make a plan, and enjoy the holidays.

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Self Exam Time

And no, I don't mean breasts. (Although you should be doing that every month anyway).

Every so often, it is good to really stop and *look* at yourself and your life, how you feel and why, and whether you are reaching your goals. December is a good time for this. Most people, near the end of the month, are bemoaning yet another year gone by with dropped resolutions. New commitment comes magically on January first, but it always seems so fleeting. Wouldn't it be better to do a self exam more often? Like, maybe several times a year? Then you don't get quite so far off track.

So here's mine.

I am 40 years old, which sometimes feels very young and sometimes feels ancient. I weight 229 pounds, which sometimes feels quite thin and other times feels humongous. I have a life filled with children, a paused career, a dog, and various hobbies, and all of this feels sometimes like an incredible blessing and other times like a huge mess. Isn't that how life is?

I feel, often, that I am doing well, comparatively speaking. Yet somewhere inside me I long to do better. What is "doing better," anyway? Well, I think it is a gradual improvement in one's state, whether that be health, happiness, productivity, or whatever other thing you have set your sights on. But what if your sights are not really set on *anything*?

Answer this:
What do you want to accomplish today?
What would you like to have done by next week at this time?
What do you think will be the same/different in one month?
What would you like to have done/changed one year from now?
What would you like your life to look like in five years? Really think about it. Five years from now, how old will you be? What will your relationships look like? Your job? Your body? Your home? In five years, describe yourself and your life... what you WANT it to be.
And then, when you have done that, go back to question #1 and tell me how what you are doing today is leading you to what you want to see in your life in five years.

It is all inextricably connected... what you do today, next week, in a year, in five years. Because five years ago I decided to get up in the morning and go to my classes, today I have a college degree. Because five years ago I decided to get up, go to work, and use the paycheck to pay my mortgage, today I have a house to live in. Because five years ago I planted a small tree in my yard, today I have a large tree with lovely blossoms that gives me great joy (well, no blossoms in winter, but I look forward to spring!) Because I fed my dog five years ago, he is still alive and healthy today. Because I decided to have sex five years ago, I have a lovely daughter today. Get it? What you do today determines your tomorrow. And your next year. And your five years from now.

You can sit and eat pizza and Big Macs and cookies today and think, "Oh, I will do something better for myself tomorrow" but the fact is that today's actions are building a path to your future. If you pave that path with Ding Dongs, your future is *not* going to be the picture of health. Every step propels you in a particular direction. Every step counts.

So, it's important to check your steps frequently to make sure you are not just going in circles, or walking to China when you wanted to go to Ireland.

My vision of five years includes: well adjusted (mostly grown) children who are still in my life, financial stability, a normal BMI, a strong body, an organized and decorated home.

My *concrete steps* for today (because making a list of to do's but never doing them is a step in the *wrong* direction) are: connect with my children in conversation this evening, stick to a budget, eat under 1700 calories of healthy foods, bike for 30 minutes, sort some stuff, and get glass for a broken frame so I can hang a picture.

If instead, my Today Steps were: be too tired to talk to my kids, spend extra money on some goofy thing I see in the store that I want, splurge on some donuts, be too tired to bike, lay around and let the clutter pile up, and forget to get the glass fixed... then, I am walking a different path that is leading away from my chosen destination. You might think that *lack* of doing something is neutral, but it isn't. A 30 minute workout is a step towards your goal, but *not* doing the 30 minute workout is *not* standing still. Lack of action is STILL A STEP. A step in the opposite direction. And goallessness is like being adrift at sea: you may not be *trying* to get anyplace specific, but you're still going to end up somewhere... and you may not like it.

So take a little time today to reflect on your steps. And make sure you're headed in the direction you really want to go.

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How I Learned To Cook

Back when I was a kid, my Dad did all the cooking. He was a fantastic cook. He'd make these really wonderful fancy dishes for company and family that would have everyone raving. I never paid much attention to his cooking, and sadly, he passed away when I was 20 years old. I never learned to cook from the master, and I only have two of his recipes. People still talk about how great such-and-such a dish was, and I often wish desperately that I had the chance to ask him or a recipe box or even a cookbook he owned. But I have nothing. Anyway, he would make tempura, and huge salads, and all kinds of delicious things. I remember him making turkey rice soup with the turkey bones, which is something I still do but with my own recipe since I don't have his. And he would make me breakfast often: eggs fried in the center of bread, or maybe french toast. Good stuff.

When I was little he would ban me and my Mom from the kitchen so he could make us a "surprise." We would hang out in the living room until it was ready, and then walk into the kitchen with a nice appetizer spread on the table. He'd make fun things I loved as a kid: little slices of hot dogs with dabs of ketchup and mustard on little toothpicks; Ritz crackers topped with cheese and a pickle slice and broiled; mushroom caps stuffed with cheese and baked. Fun times!

My Mom, on the other hand, could not cook. She just couldn't. Never learned, I guess. She tried to make carrot cake for my dad but it had CHOPPED carrots in it (crunch crunch). She would make "spaghetti and meatballs" by rolling balls of plain raw hamburger and dropping them into a crockpot filled with Prego. By the time I was a teen, I could make myself a bowl of Ramen noodles, or melt cheese on bread in the broiler. We didn't have a microwave so cooking was trickier back then.

So, to get to the point. How did I learn to cook? No parents teaching me, no baking with grandma (ever). No cooking classes. Yet now I am a darn good cook if I do say so myself. And it was pretty much all self-taught!

When I was a newlywed at 20, I was thrust into the role of wife and mother. My hard working husband and my stepchildren all needed to be fed, and I had to figure it out pretty quickly. I'd been away at college for a year and had survived on plain cream of wheat, Ramen, and peanut butter. I remember many a night with my new husband and stepkids sitting around the table as I brought a huge steaming pot of Ramen out for dinner!

After a few days of Ramen or scrambled eggs, my husband took it upon himself to show me a recipe or two. "Here," he said, "fry some hamburger, and then dump in a can of beans and a can of tomato sauce and some chili powder, and you have chili!" We ate a lot of *that* chili in the early years. He also told me how to throw a roast in the crock pot all day, then make mashed potatoes and a simple gravy and a can of vegetables for a hearty meal. He was a meat and potatoes man, so we had a lot of roasts/potatoes/gravy, too. To this day I make killer gravy.

I got a couple of cookbooks and started trying new things. Once, I followed a recipe for "Peanut Butter Soup" that told me to fry an onion in butter, then add chicken broth and a heaping amount of chunky peanut butter. THAT was pretty horrible... oniony, runny, chicken-y peanut butter with soggy peanut chunks in the bottom of the bowl. Another time I tried my hand at "fried calves' brains," being a farmer's wife and all, knowing my father-in-law had loved to scramble cow brains in his eggs every morning. I cubed the brain, dredged it in breadcrumbs and fried the chunks. I proudly served it to my family, who wondered if it was chicken nuggets or turkey or tofu, until I told them what it was and my stepson promptly threw up in his plate.

I got the hang of baking rather quickly, following recipes from a book I got for Christmas when I was 21. Talking to other wives and mothers who were older than I was helped a lot. I asked people for recipes when I liked something they made. And over time, I got really good at cooking just about anything!

Nowadays, I use my talent to make delicious *healthy* meals for me and my family. I am good at tweaking recipes, substituting ingredients, or even taking the best parts of 2 or 3 or 4 recipes and melding them into one of my own. I love doing this. It's fun!

I am telling you this because so many people say they can't cook, when in fact they can LEARN. It is not hard. It just takes time. I'd say it took me about 5 years to be a decent cook... ten years to be an excellent cook. No classes, just some cookbooks from the library and reading recipes with reviews online and trying over and over until I get things right. And once you get something right, you can make so many more things!

You don't have to lean on frozen meals or fast food or prepackaged crap to lose weight. I hope this story encourages someone to *decide* to learn to cook. Yes, you will burn some things. Yes, you will have some flops. Your kid might even throw up in their plate once or twice. But over time it is SO worth it to get to a place where you can cook just about anything you want... and make it as healthy as you'd like it to be while still tasting great!

If you haven't looked at the recipes over on the left side of my page, now is a good time to start! Taco soup is easy, so is Cabbage Roll Casserole. Try your hand! Freeze the leftovers for healthy "frozen meals." It is never to late to learn a new skill.

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December 1, 2009: 230 Pounds

This morning I am feeling quite happy! I lost four pounds in December, which makes a total of 15 pounds in the last 2 months. I am pleased with that. Four pounds may not seem like much, but when you realize that before last month, I had not lost more than TWO pounds in a month for the past YEAR, 4 seems like an okay number.

First, some stats:

Days in November that I counted all my calories: 25 out of 30
Average calories per day in November (on days I counted): 1596
# of days under 1200 cal: 3
# of days over 1700 cal: 9 (assuming all days I did not count calories went over somewhat)
binges/semi-binges: 3

Exercise for November:
Fitness walks outside: 5 (30 to 60 minutes each)
Recumbent bike rides inside: 14 (30 minutes each w/one 40 min)
Walks to the park with my kids: 3
Heavy raking/yardwork: 3 days

I exercised on 20 days out of 30.

Other interesting facts for November:
Fast food eaten: 0
Sodas: 1 Diet Cherry Pepsi
Meals eaten out, at restaurants: 3
Holidays celebrated: Thanksgiving

As I looked over the month, a few things stand out to me. I started the month quite strong and was happy and upbeat most days. I was enjoying the beautiful fall leaves, the crisp weather, and lots of time outside. Since I love to walk and look at the leaves, and enjoy raking, this was a great start for me! In fact, for the first 3 weeks of the month I was doing fantastic in mood and in action! I even got down to 228 pounds on the 21st.

After that, stuff got more difficult. A visit from my husband (emotional stress), a holiday (a lot of extra food lying around and throwing me off my usual routine) and terribly sore knees (several rest days w/no exercise) all combined to slow my loss and increase my intake. Then the weather changed. All the leaves fell off the trees and the temps dropped from 50's to low 40's and 30's during the day. The sun went into hiding and it has been overcast. I learned to love fall, and now I am trying to find joy in the season of winter.

I think I might actually enjoy being out walking in the snow, but there isn't any snow yet. There may not be much snow at all. And I detest being cold! Going out to walk in 25-35 degrees feels like torture to me, yet I know I need to get out and get *some* sun, even if it is coming through a thick cloud cover. It's just harder to push myself out the door to take a walk where I start out freezing and end up sweating under a heavy coat because if I take it off once I am warmed up, my sweat will freeze to my body and I will be miserable. And I have not found a whole lot of beauty yet in the stark leafless trees set against a background of dulled brownish green grass and a flat grey sky. I am working on it though.

Biking has taken over where walking has slacked, and I am easily biking the 30 minutes I need to get my exercise. I plan to add weights in January but just want to get through the holidays in one piece for now!

My eating went kind of haywire for a few days at the end of the month. Not binge eating, just enjoying food too much. The Thanksgiving feast triggered some kind of food happiness switch in my brain, where I start looking to food for pleasure much too frequently. Homemade calzones filled with sausage and pepperonis are not conducive to weight loss! But I got it out of my system and am back to my usual way of eating, which is pleasing but doesn't make me think about wanting more food all day.

Goals for December: continue staying off fast food and avoiding sodas. Stay under 1700 cal/day 90% of the time. Exercise 25 days out of 31.

If I see another 4 or 5 pound loss this month it will make me happy. December is a difficult month for me... an emotional roller coaster with anniversaries of all sorts of unpleasant things, culminating in the death date of my father at the end of the month. I have gone through the roller coaster every year: the highs of Christmas and time with my children, the lows of remembering those who have passed, punctuated with a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder creeping in due to lack of sunlight (which I try to counter by sitting in front of my Light Box at breakfast).

This year I will work on seeing the good, the blessings, and the enjoyment of December. I may even try to turn some sadness into fond memories and thankfulness.

Enjoy your day!

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