Thank You

This is the most low key, uneventful New Years Eve I have had in years. Like 25 years, at least. I am sitting here with my feet on an old HoMedics foot massager that I've had for ages but was packed away in a box for a long time. I finally found it today and wow, it feels so good. Maybe it will help my foot pain. Anyway, I was going to make steak and potatoes and salad for dinner tonight, but since three of my kids are absent at the moment, I am going to let everyone have sandwiches. I'll make the steak dinner tomorrow night, when four of my five kids will be here to enjoy it. 

Every year for as long as I can remember, NYE and New Years Day have been a huge buffet of appetizers and then a nice dinner. I've always put out a big spread of fancy cheeses, meats, different kinds of summer sausages, cheese balls, dips, crackers, hummus, chips, veggie sticks, olives, and spreads. I always made those sausage cheese ball appetizers and a crock pot full of cocktail weenies in BBQ sauce, too. This is the first year I can remember in my adult life that I have not made at least some of that stuff. And I have no plans to make any of it, either. There's no reason... I know I would want to eat it all myself. I know I would overdo it. The kids are just as happy with normal meals. So I am letting it go. I don't have to "make it festive." Besides, I am tired and just want to sit and relax and drink tea tonight and then tomorrow, play some board games and do crafts. Nothing major.

Let me tell you something. I love my blog. It's a huge labor of love... a giant project that has a life of its own now. I have taken very few breaks from blogging, even when I sort of felt like I had nothing to say. I always come back and 'chat' with my friends... you all... and feel SO good that I am being heard. Yes, for once in my life, I am being heard. I love that and it validates my being. I am not sure if that will make sense to many of you, but if you know about my religious upbringing and background, and how unworthy I often felt, you might understand. All those times as a child that I was invisible... all those days in my early married years when I was treated as a non-person or told how disposable I was... all those years thinking I did not matter and feeling that no one would even notice if I was gone... well, as silly as it may sound, blogging has helped heal a lot of that. It has given me strength and self-love, confidence and courage. Kind of like going to college did... putting forth my best and seeing that "A" handwritten on my papers was so, so validating. I was *not* an idiot. I was *not* worthless. There was something so amazing about being on the honor roll at 32 years old... about winning scholarships and being in the honor society... about wearing that special golden sash as I walked to the stage and graduated with honors in front of my clapping children. It faded so many scars of the past. I realized: they were wrong about me. I am somebody. I am capable. I do exist. And blogging feels the same way to me. I thank you for being a part of that.

And so I'll blog and continue to chronicle my weight, my life, my thoughts. I hope to have less reruns and more trailblazing adventures in 2013. I am satisfied that I will have them, not alone, but with my sweet children, my furry pups, and all of you.

Happy New Year :)

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Happy New Years' Eve! Traditions

Well, here we are on this final night of 2011. What a year we've had. It's always rather nostalgic to see another year pass and wonder what the new one will bring. Always surprises.

We've been lazing around for the most part today, doing a bit of homework, reading, and playing games, watching movies and cooking. I traditionally make a spread of crackers with dips and cheeses and meats and a bunch of appetizers as our NYE meal. Tonight I am making some of the usuals: little smokies in BBQ sauce, baked sausage/cheese/Bisquick balls, and fruit pizza with a sugar cookie crust, cream cheese//Cool Whip spread on the cooled crust, and topped with sliced fresh kiwis, strawberries, bananas, mandarin oranges, blackberries, and grapes. We'll also have sparkling cider and some cheeses and spreads with crackers. The house smells yummy. But guess what? I'm not eating it.

Today I've had:
2 cups of coffee with sugar free creamer
2 mugs of Medifast hot cocoa
Medifast chili puffs and a diet Coke (my last one from the pantry, I believe. Not buying any diet sodas in 2012)
a large omelet made with a cup of Eggbeaters, 2/3 cup of turkey sausage crumbles, and a slice of low fat cheese

I'll have Medifast sloppy joe and a big pan of roasted fresh broccoli for dinner, and my dessert will be a Medifast brownie around 9pm. We are staying up late, and I might have some herbal tea, too.

I would like to change my NYE traditions a bit for next year. I plan to keep making fruit pizza, maybe with a slightly healthier crust. The rest has to change. The food is too fatty and salty and carby, so I might try some new things, including a fresh veggie and hummus tray, popcorn, spinach dip with Triscuits, and reduced fat cheeses. I might try making the sausage balls with reduced fat sausage, low fat cheese and Heart Healthy Bisquick or something, we'll see. My kids love the stuff, but it's a once-a-year thing. Still, healthier is better.

Tomorrow is Sunday, which happens to be my weigh in day AND the start of a new month and a new year. I am going to make some huge changes in 2012. I am very excited about that. I am proud that I've kept off about 80 pounds for several years now. My life is so much better for it. This year, I plan to reach my goal weight (whatever that turns out to be) AND to be more fit than I have ever been in my life. I have my exercise plan ready. I am on it. I might walk tomorrow but I start my formal plan on Monday when the kids go back to school. The Challenges start Monday. Be ready!

Have a great New Years Eve!

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A Year To Enjoy

I can hardly believe tomorrow is New Year's Eve... the last day of 2012. It kind of snuck up on me; I had to double check the calendar to be sure I was right. Sure enough, there it is: a new year just over 26 hours away. How'd that happen?

It makes me very nostalgic when I start looking through my old blogs around this time of year. This will be my sixth new year blogging... hard to believe. All those old posts stand like headstones: Here Lies 2007. Rest In Peace, 2008. Farewell 2009. And on. And it reminds me, eerily, that all the years tick by and become the past... that 2013 which is about to be born will also die and become just a memory.

I go back and read these time capsules to myself. I gave some excellent advice that I've forgotten or that I've complicated over the years. It's not the same as it was back then. I have changed... my life has changed. So has my health and my family dynamic. But at the core the goal is still just to get to a reasonable normal weight and be healthy. Every December I get to the end of the month and am full of hope. It's like a fresh clean slate... a renewal. A chance to start over and do it right. And the nice thing is, everyone's in on it with us! Half the population will be on the weight loss/get healthy bandwagon in January. The weight loss forums will be blooming with new life. Old blogs and new will pop up with fresh determination. I love it. We're not alone. It's a stark contrast to December, when pretty much no one is talking about weight loss or eating healthy, at least not in my circle. Heck, all the message boards I frequent are dead right now. But they will resurrect in just a few days and I will let the energy of the masses help propel me along.

I thought about promising myself that I would make 2013 a perfect year. Yes, perfect. Every bite would be a healthy one... a planned one... one leading to ideal health. Every night would result in at least 8 hours of sleep. I'd spent 15 minutes every evening meticulously brushing, flossing, and water-piking my teeth. I'd use skin scrubs in every bath, dry brush my skin each morning, and use high-quality lotions all over my body daily to prevent loose skin while the weight just drops off me. The dogs would get walked a couple miles every day and then of course I'd spend an hour biking, lifting, and doing PT like I did this fall. My kids would get the best of care and all the attention they could possibly want, my house would finally be organized and sparkling clean, and we'd all sit around the table each night eating a nutritious, home-cooked meal rich in protein, healthy fats, and vegetables. And they'd love it, too.

Instead, I decided to make one goal: to enjoy 2013.

All the rest of the stuff will fall into place.

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Weight Loss Challenge 2012: Let's Do This!

Okay! I am ready to share with you the Challenge I have put together for the new year! I am very excited to get started and hope this helps all of you as much as it will me.

This is something I had been planning to do for *myself* for some time now. I wanted to make these healthy changes, which will (in combination with not eating junk) lead to weight loss *without* focusing heavily on the number on the scale. The real focus here is on better health and a happier life. Weight loss is a side effect, even though it is also a goal.

This will be a two-part challenge: the Superfoods Challenge and the Fitness Challenge. You can choose to take part in one or the other or both. I will be doing both!

Part 1, the Superfoods Challenge

Back in 2007, right before I started this blog, I got a book called SuperFoods Rx: Fourteen Foods That Will Change Your Life. It's a simple book, with a simple premise: focus on getting in as many of these superfoods each day as you can, and you'll be healthier and lose weight. A friend of mine had told me that when she did this, she was so busy making sure she ate the superfoods that she neglected to eat junk, sugar, fatty stuff, and other less nutritious food. She was so focused on what TO eat that she didn't really notice what she was NOT eating, and was never hungry. I tried it, too... not a DIET, not a PROGRAM, but just making a list of the 14 superfoods, posting it on my fridge, and eating them at every meal and snack. Oh, you can have other foods, too, but the superfoods are the main focus. And lest you think you'd get bored, each superfood has what the author calls "sidekicks" which are healthy alternatives. So, for example, you can eat the superfood broccoli, but if you are getting tired of broccoli you can have one of its sidekicks which have a similar nutritional profile: Brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, turnips, cauliflower, or collard greens. Serving sizes are listed and it is really very simple. For the challenge, I will post a new Superfood each Monday that we will try to incorporate into our diets that week. All you have to do to join this challenge is commit to TRYING each Superfood (or at least one of its sidekicks) each week when it is posted. I will post preparation ideas and recipes for each one during that week. Sound easy? It is! *There will be an accommodation for low carbers like myself who may not be eating from certain food groups at this time, so don't worry :)

If you want to get started right away, you can order the book (linked above and very cheap on Amazon right now) and start reading. Otherwise, hang in there until Monday and I will post our first Superfood, explain its nutritional value and how to shop for it and prepare it, and list its sidekicks. This should be fun!

Part 2, the Fitness Challenge

This one is as hard or as easy as you make it. If you join this challenge, the goal is to become more fit in 2012. You will need to make a plan for fitness, including a schedule of when and how long you will exercise. Put it in your planner or on your calendar like an appointment and stick to it. Figure out NOW how to ease into activity if you're sedentary (clear it with your doctor first) and work up to the level that gives you optimal health. So, right now, answer these questions for yourself:

1. What kinds of activity do I enjoy? What kind of exercise WILL I do and not put off? What do I like to do? Consider lots of ideas, such as walking, biking, skating, boxing, classes, weight lifting, dancing, jogging, swimming... whatever you LIKE and will DO.

2. How much can I do without hurting myself or hating it? If you're not sure, ease in gradually. You can pick more than one activity and add them in, one per week or one per month, as you are able. You can start with 5 minutes if you need to.

Write it down now and plan a start date... today if you like, or January 1 or 2. Then DO it. We will have a post for reporting our activity and progress once a week, probably on Fridays. I will post my activity plan and ask for you to post yours in the comments (and on your blog if you like) on Tuesday. So get it ready!

That's it. Real, simple changes you can make gradually in your eating and activity. You might think it silly for a challenge to be to eat a certain food every week, but time goes by quickly and the results are cumulative. In 14 weeks we will be eating ALL of the Superfoods each day, and our bodies will thank us. Give it a try, it's easy!

For those who want even more of a challenge, there is always the Habit-A-Week Challenge archives at the top of my page, which you can start anytime and do at your own pace. Small changes yield great results.

Let me know in the comments section which challenge(s) you will be participating in! I am here to help you, and will try to answer questions left as comments on each challenge post and help with any struggles you're having. I also encourage you to check out my BlogFrog community; we can chat there on the message board, you can ask questions and discuss how things are going for you, and we can even try having a live chat sometime! Let's help each other get healthy!

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Weigh In and Stuff

I got on the scale this morning and as I expected, I was up several pounds from eating carbs and some junk this week. Last Sunday I weighed 211 pounds and today I weigh 218... a seven pound gain in a week. I did not eat nearly enough calories for much of that to be fat gain, but I do feel bloated and puffy. I ate way too much sodium and at least one off-plan thing each day this week. Once I get my carbs up like that at even one meal, it seems to snowball and I crave more and more carbs. Even this morning, I am craving carbs. I really want to whip up some biscuits and gravy right now! But instead, I am going to have 2 eggs and some turkey sausage. My veggie drawer is looking pretty empty right now, so a trip to the grocery store is in order. I do have an eggplant but need to figure out what to do with it.

Anyway, obviously I feel kind of icky and heavy like my digestive system is sluggish from all this "crap." As of right now I am done checking out. My head is back in the game... and the sharpened foot pain is a great motivator to eat well. I have some new special PF shoes and some MSM foot cream on the way and will share whether or not those make a difference.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

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Goals for a New Year

Ever since I got sick in September, it feels like I've been in a slide down a long, muddy hillside as I went deeper and deeper into depressed feelings and even felt less and less like fighting it. Over the months I gradually stopped even trying to claw my way back up the slope in the rain; when I did, it felt like my fingers were just getting filled with handfuls of mud as the slide down continued. Somewhere in there I think I hit the bottom of the ditch and just sat there for awhile. And now I kind of feel like the sun came out and is drying up the mud and I'm ready to stand up and climb back out. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Yes, for sure, but I am treating it and I always start to feel better by February. But I'm not going to sit in this ditch until February so I am setting some modest goals for myself for the new year.

Over the last three years, I have gained weight each year... anywhere between 12 and 17 pounds per year. It looks like 2014 won't end any differently; weighing 245 pounds now means I put on 15 pounds this year as well. I made a new page showing "Weight By Year" which I am posting shortly (and if my weight on January 1 is higher or lower, I will adjust that number on the page). I did this because my "Weight By Month" page is getting really long and I now have enough years blogging to also post a yearly weight summary on a separate page. I would very much like to see a loss of pounds in 2015, breaking the regain trend that's been happening since 2012.

My goals revolve around what I perceive as my problems, or issues. I see them as things I want to fix, or change. I am sure over the coming months, my approach will change as needed. Maybe I will resolve some of these problems and add something new to work on. Yes, a lot of these goals are things I have worked on before. Some were improved for a time and then backslid. Others I planned to do something about but never did, Still others were partially worked on and then faded into the background while still needing work. So here are my goals, in no particular order.

Problems:
1. Loss of muscle, strength, and ability to move easily.
2. Gain of fat.
3. Lack of nutrition; too much junk food.
4. Medical issues including thyroid/autoimmune disease.
5. Feeling inadequate and unable to complete my goals and tasks.

Solutions:
1. Move. Walk, swim, bike and work. Strength train.
2. Reduce calories eaten and burn more calories.
3. Include more produce and protein; remove most, if not all, junk food.
4. Continue prescribed treatments and ask about anything more I can do.
5. Discuss with counselor; work towards goals and completing tasks even if I am hesitant.

In implementing my solutions towards my goals, I am going to get started even if I don't have all the details. For example, I have always wanted to re-start AIP (which my doctor recommended) but am not sure if that type of restriction works against the 'normalizing food' that my counselor has me working on. Before I dive back in to AIP or anything else super restrictive, I will discuss it with her and see what she thinks is the best way to handle it. In the meantime, I am trying to do as she suggested in lowering my emotional response and connection to foods. (For example, the baking I did for Christmas. Normalizing food does not necessarily mean EATING it. Normalizing focuses on a person having an unemotional, not-over-reactive, 'normal' response to various foods so that they are no longer triggering. Exposure to these foods (even without eating them) gradually lowers anxiety about them. Restricting can cause over-sensitivity about foods and be a trigger in itself, and that is what I am trying to avoid.)

That's my set of goals for the coming year, and if my work on these problems results in increased strength, fat loss, better health and more contentment in 2015, I will count that a very successful year. I feel optimistic and excited! I hope we all have a happy healthy new year!

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Random Stuff

Oh my goodness, I am sooo tired. I think I get *more* tired when I drink too much coffee. I was only having 1-2 cups (black) a day but lately I am drinking it (with a bit of cream and Splenda) trying to avoid eating. I mean, I am *eating* but I want to be eating a lot more. Carbs just trigger wanting more carbs... so I have been using coffee (all "treated" up instead of black) to try and avoid the food. Five cups of coffee a day is just not working for me though... I am out of decaf.

This morning I had a Medifast hot cocoa for breakfast. I had curried chicken, salad (lettuce, cukes, dressing), and about 1/4 cup of lentils for lunch. And all that coffee the rest of the day. I am edging back towards normalcy and low carb again and my plan for tomorrow is a straight Medifast 5 & 1 plan with a max of 3 cups of coffee. After that I will back down to 1-2 cups again.

I finally got all the Christmas ornaments and lights off the tree and put away this afternoon. That is one of my least favorite tasks, because many of them are fragile and I wrap them individually. Nothing expensive, mainly stuff my kids made when they were little: clay stars, cinnamon dough people, painted ceramic snowmen, that kind of thing. That's what my tree is always covered with, along with some red, blue, and green glass balls, real candy canes, and a ton of paper ornaments the kids made in school with their pictures on them. I love that kind of tree. But I hate packing it all up and throwing the tree out the living room window.

I am really nervous about all the medical stuff going on with my family right now. Aside from my daughter with pinkeye, there's two sons with serious medical stuff going on and myself with the foot issues, MTHFR and looming appointment with the rheumatologist. I am also way late to get my mammogram and cervical cancer recheck. I should not be putting that stuff off, and it is getting scheduled as soon as school is back in session. I need to figure out a way to get my cracked crown replaced, too.

Back to the diet/weight stuff... my pants are extremely tight (when they were almost falling-down loose a week ago) and I am debating whether or not to weigh tomorrow. I probably should. I just know how rapidly I gain when I eat carbs, even in reasonable amounts, and know seeing a 5 to 10 pound gain in a week is likely. I hate it. But knowing is probably better than not.

I really need my energy and positivity back.

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Helping Each Other: Let's Lose Weight Together

There are so many of us wandering around alone, needing help, but not quite knowing how to ask for it. We want to lose weight, get healthy, feel connected. But it's hard in this world. It's not the same world our parents grew up in.

Over Christmas break, my kids and I have been watching old Lassie episodes... the black and white ones, first with Jeff and then little Timmy. Each boy romps and wanders in the fields and forests, alone with their dog, not a care in the world. When their bike tire goes flat, they get picked up by a random passing neighbor and delivered back home. When Lassie needs eye surgery, Jeff hitchhikes to the big city to get her help. Strangers help each other. They stop and ask if someone might need help if something appears wrong. And everyone is safe, even a little 7-year-old boy wandering the streets alone with his dog, because strangers are watching out for him. But now, we can't live that way anymore. I never let my daughter wander the neighborhood alone, and she knows very well to never get in a car with a stranger. Thus, in the name of safety, we have become isolated.

How many times have you seen in the news that someone has a heart attack or an accident and dies on the ground while people walk on by? It's sad, really. Compassion is lost. People ignore or even make fun of others in distress. People say mean things to those who are struggling. Everyone looks out for themselves first. But it doesn't have to be that way. It SHOULDN'T be that way.

Several years ago, I was on my way home from my kids' swimming lessons in the summertime. I had a beater van full of hungry wet children, heading home for a change of clothes and some lunch. Lots of other people were leaving the city pool, too. As the line of cars came slowly to astop at the traffic light, I noticed a young lady straddling her bike on the corner. She didn't look so good. As the light turned green, suddenly, she was on the ground, toppled with a crash. Her bike lay on top of her, her legs tangled in the frame. She did not get up. I immediately put my hazard lights on and pulled over, as every car in front of me (closer to her) and every car behind me drove on by. I told my children to stay quiet, and ran over to the woman lying on the sidewalk. She stared straight up and began to shake. I tried to speak to her but she could not respond. She started having a seizure, and I just sat there and held her hand with one hand and tried to flag people down with the other. Finally someone stopped and called 911. I thought this lady was dying as she violently shook.  Cars whizzed by at the busy intersection as time stood still for me. She looked in my eyes and I told her she would be okay, that help was coming. Her eyes rolled back, her breathing slowed. Finally, the paramedics arrived, and as they took over, I stepped back. Suddenly every car in the vicinity was pulling over to see what was happening. To watch the paramedics rip her blouse open and shock her heart as she jolted off the sidewalk. I got in my van in tears, and went home. Later, I called the hospital and asked about her. They wouldn't tell me anything, but I couldn't get her off my mind. I said, "I just need to know, did she die?" and the lady said, "No, she didn't die. She is going to be okay."

I know I didn't do ANYTHING for this woman, except show compassion, but it has never left me how it felt to be there feeling helpless while everyone else just kept driving past.

In the blog world, we care about each other. We form bonds and friendships and support each other. Oh, not everybody does, but for the most part I have seen a lot of kindness and compassion here. I like that about blogging. When one of us is down, another will come and lift us up, or hold our hand until we are better. THAT is how it should be. That is how I wish the world could be... all of it. Well, we can't change everyone, but we certainly can change ourselves. We can change our little corner of the world by being compassionate and kind and caring about each other. We are NOT alone!

I get emails every day asking... begging... for help. I don't have *the answer* (I don't think there is one answer) but I do believe we can all share what we have and what we know to help each other lose weight. That's why I am putting this Challenge together for 2012. I want to help people, and I want to help myself. I want to form community and help people reach their goals for better health.

So, tomorrow (or maybe tonight) I will post the details of the challenge. It will be a two-part challenge involving eating and exercising. It will be as easy or as hard as you make it. You can choose to partake in one, or both. I will be doing both. We will have weekly updates and a community forum and I'd like to try out live chats, too. Start tonight by thinking about what your goals are for 2012... and I don't just mean a number on the scale (although that is fine, too). I believe that weight loss can and will be a side effect of healthier eating and exercise habits, so focusing on doing something *positive* for ourselves rather than focusing on restriction is the goal of this challenge. I hope you will join me in creating a healthier 2012. We can do it, together.

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Moods and Food

I looked in the mirror today and said, "self, I like you!" And then I noticed that my face looks better... less bloated, less fat under the chin. I am down more than ten pounds since my restart on December 14, which was two weeks ago. I feel much better, my jeans are not tight anymore, and I am much, much happier. The happiness, I am convinced, is in good part due to mood improvement from better nutrition and getting off junk. When I eat a lot of sugar, grease, and refined flour products, I feel awful. I think I might even be mildly depressed when I eat like that. I believe ingesting those things affects a lot of body systems, including hormones and chemicals that regulate mood. Give it a try. A week without sugary junk and fat and carby stuff and maybe you will feel like a new person, too.

Only 3 more days left in 2011. Are you ready for a challenge? Details coming!

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Update

Things are not horrible, but they are stressful.

I had to take my daughter to the doctor today. She has pinkeye.
I got a call that there was a death in the family, a little cousin I never got to know and now never will.
I have spent about 2 hours today trying to fax needed documents for our medical trip, but keep getting either a busy signal from the fax I am calling or a "line error" message on my fax.
Things are worse, not better, with Teen X. Yeah, I won't name names, but *someone* is putting his mother through the ringer and if I was a drinking woman, you probably wouldn't hear from me again for days.
But instead of booze I am hitting up the English Muffins, which give me just as bad a hangover as alcohol would. Okay, so it was only *one* English Muffin, but something about the wheat makes me sick and hurt. I guess the *why* is always what we ask ourselves... "why did I do that to myself?" Dunno, it sure felt soothing in the moment.
My feet are wrapped in tape from my PT appointment the other day, which was painful but I think effective. I am managing to sleep with one leg/foot brace on most nights... two is just too disruptive with all the banging together every time I move, but one is tolerable. I am not getting a heck of a lot of sleep anyway... getting to bed late due to things I need to get done, and being awakened around 6 every morning by dogs and my early bird daughter, who so sweetly tiptoes in to my room and ever so gently hugs me and whispers, "I'm up, Mom, but I am going to go do some art and let you sleep!" and then tiptoes out... but then I am awake so I get up and make coffee. She really is sweet though, she lets the dogs out for me and everything.
Oh, and the power went out again this morning just briefly, leaving us without Internet for a few hours afterwards.

The split pea soup is finally simmering on the stove, but honestly I don't think I have the energy to make myself a low carb version. I am not really hungry anyway... I had a lot of coffee today. I think tomorrow will be my 100% back-on-plan with Medifast day.

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Eating Well

Today feels like a new day to me. Of course, every day is literally new... but as the dark has lifted slowly and gradually, each day is a bit better. And today I feel an inner happiness and peace I have not had in awhile. It's a different kind of happy than the kind that is induced by joyful events; even at my lowest, I've felt happy when I spend time with family, or open presents at Christmas, or see a pretty sunset. What I am talking about is that underlayer of happiness that remains when all the laughing and parties and fun stuff is over. You know... kind of a "base" emotion, a way you ARE when no one else is around, when you are just lying in bed at night about to go to sleep or standing in the kitchen washing dishes. I guess I have felt kind of numb for awhile now, as my base emotion when I am alone. Over the last few weeks I have noticed that dissipating bit by bit, but the past two weeks the difference has been truly noticeable! I am starting to feel like my old self again, and that is a wonderful feeling! I actually *want* to go outside and walk, to go swimming, to eat some things that are good for me. I am getting back the real motivation to take good care of myself and make changes for the sake of my health and lasting happiness. It's a very good feeling.

This afternoon I'm making a recipe I used to make often after Easter or Christmas (when we usually have leftover ham): Ham Bone Soup. It's full of beans and vegetables and smells so good simmering for hours on the stove! I have to say I enjoyed chopping the onions, celery, carrots and garlic just as much as I liked making all the Christmas goodies earlier this month. I just like to cook, and I like to feed people and see them nourishing themselves with what I made. It's been a part of me for so long.

I have been thinking once again about things like whole foods vs carb counts. I know I can lose weight eating bean soup, because I did it before: lost the first 50+ pounds eating whole grain crackers, hummus, oatmeal, and the like, along with plenty of protein and produce. So I often think I should do it again, just the same way: count calories and exercise. But I also know my body is not the same as it was back then, and I did stall out eating that way before. I think the advice I have gotten about keeping my carb count to 100 grams/day for weight loss is solid, but I'm not sure what that means long term. No bean soup again, ever? I dunno, I am not sure where beans and starches are going to fit into my plan. But I know I *feel* like eating well and exercising. So that's a good start. So that's what I'm doing!

I hope you enjoy the last bit of the old year, and that we all have a blessed, happy, and healthy 2015!

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Caught

What is really hard is when you get caught in the cycle of eating stuff that is not conducive to weight loss for whatever reason, and every time you get up in the morning and start out "on plan" (whatever your plan may be) but then it all falls apart before dinner.

I lived in that "diet cycle" for years and years, swinging back and forth repeatedly between 250 and 280 pounds. It was my LIFE, really. I would count my calories and measure my food (or eat from the South Beach Phase 1 food list, or count my Weight Watchers Points, or count my carbs for Atkins) all morning and then something would trigger me to throw it out the window so I could eat xyz and "start over tomorrow." And I start-over-tomorrowed myself through morbid obesity for the better part of a decade. Not a good thing, any way you look at it.

But so many... SO many... people are caught in the same cycle. You want to lose weight, but *in the moment* you want potato chips more, so you eat the chips because you can start over tomorrow. Or worse, you eat the chips and then since you are starting over tomorrow, you hurry and eat all the other things you want like cake and ice cream and fried chicken because when you start over tomorrow, you won't be able to have it (or at least not in the quantities you can NOW!) But then tomorrow goes the same way, and the next day does too, and it all melds together into one big off-plan eating festival with a sprinkle of dieting on top. Only, this festival does not bring you joy. It just makes you sad.

I got out of that cycle, and that's the reason for me being able to maintain about 60 pounds lower than my high weight for several years now. But the last couple of days I have gotten the taste of that cycle in my mouth again and I've been fighting it tooth and nail. I know if I fall back into that cycle, all the weight will come back and I will be extremely unhealthy. And I know that once I succumb to that cycle, it would be only a matter of time before I'd start up the binge eating again. Because once you start having the pressure of a diet or weight loss or "lifestyle change" looming in front of you and you start eating junk in a short, set frame of time ("I will just eat whatever I want tonight, and then start over again tomorrow") there is a lot of pressure to eat as much as possible before the "deadline." Thus, the binge eating disorder arrives and once it does, it is most difficult to rid ones' self of.

I have not binged in a very long time. More than a year... maybe two? I'd have to go back and look. I do not binge and do not want to binge. But in order for that the remain true, I can't start up the cycle of restrict-overeat-restrict-overeat. The timing of that cycle can vary and, in my experience, is very important... meaning if I am restricting (calories, carbs, junk, whatever) for weight loss 95% of the time but have an "off" day (non-bingeing, just ate too much or unhealthy choices) here and there, once a month or less, it's not going to lead to binge eating. But if those off days are getting strung together like beads on a necklace and you find yourself pretty much eating off plan *every day* or even *every week* with restriction thrown in occasionally, that is what can lead to big problems... and no weight loss.

I am talking about this because last night, I had some of the biggest stress ever with one of my older kids. I felt helpless and extremely upset. I grabbed a handful of bite size mini Kit Kat bars and sat alone on the couch unwrapping them and shoving them in my mouth. I ate five of them and then stared at the little pile of shiny red and green wrappers on the end table and thought, "oh my gosh. This is how it used to be." Only it used to be a much bigger pile... a whole bag, literally. I did not enjoy the Kit Kat bars. I am used to having a small square of very dark, high quality chocolate once in awhile when I am eating Primal. The Kit Kats tasted like absolute junk. But I was not eating them for the taste. I was going very deep, to an instinct of numbing that used to be a way of life for me. This is not where I wanted to be, and the wrappers and the rest of the bag of Kit Kat bars went into the trash.

I found myself toying with the old mindset, though. I ate off plan, I may as well enjoy it. Hey, I ate off plan a few days ago. I ate off plan on Christmas. I may as well. And instead of making split pea soup for dinner (which was no longer on the agenda anyway because of the issue that was stressing me in the first place) I ate a plate of crackers, cheese, and summer sausage. I didn't OVEReat them. But I ate them, I shrugged and thought I'd start over tomorrow, and then I sat there and thought, "when will it end? This stress is going to continue for weeks, months, maybe YEARS. If I start back up in the cycle of stress eating/restricting/starting over tomorrow, I am going to find myself cornered by disordered eating and back to morbid obesity in a heartbeat. When will I stop? If not now, when?"

I got up this morning and thought about New Years, a family birthday party coming up, a several-day trip out of town to a medical specialist next month. I thought about just tossing everything and deciding to start over AFTER all of that. I also thought about how I can gain ten pounds in a week if I screw around. I thought about my pain and my life and how far I've come. I don't want to give it up. But I am in a place of struggle right now.

I had my black coffee this morning. I intend to be on plan today, and tomorrow, and the next day. It is very difficult in my current mindset. I feel like the kid stuff is so overwhelming that A) what I eat doesn't matter and B) I need food to cope. I am glad I don't drink because I'd be in a bad place with that right now if I did. But I am worth fighting for. I am worth taking care of, even when things are not going well. This really sucks but eating to cope with the heartache is not going to benefit anyone in the long run.

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Yesterday, and a Challenge Update

Yesterday was another good day for me. I had leftover turkey breast, low fat cheesy cauliflower, and green beans for my dinner and it was delish. Today I will be making a family favorite: turkey soup and beer bread (not for me, but for the family). I am debating whether to make myself a smaller pot of turkey soup with the same homemade stock, chunks of turkey, extra veggies and no noodles, or (since I am slightly tired of turkey) perhaps I will just make a batch of low fat deviled eggs and have that for my protein and some roasted broccoli for my veggies.

I am planning the challenge that I talked about earlier; I think I will post it on January 1 or 2 and then anyone who wants to join me can! I am going to center the challenge around healthy eating and exercise. Start thinking now about what your goals are, and what would feel like "success" to you. Here is a loose version of MY goals for success in these departments:

Exercise: I have been sorely lacking in this for the past 2+ years. Remember how I always go hiking up a 2 mile, steep path on the coast in the summer? And how at 214 pounds it was so much easier, but then last year it was HARDER even though I weighed around 180? That's the decline in my fitness level since I switched from biking and lifting to just walking (and not everyday). I want to rebuild my fitness so that hiking is much easier and daily life is also easier physically. I am working on a scheduled exercise plan, written in a calendar planner and gradually working my way up to a good activity level. I will start small because I have a history of injuring myself if I push too hard. My plan will include walking, biking, PT exercises, and lifting.

Eating: I have fallen into a bit of a rut with the veggies lately, eating loads of cauliflower, spinach, and green beans. Not a whole lot else. Those veggies *are* healthy, but I need more variety. My first goal will be just that: seeking out a variety of fresh vegetables from the produce department, and later, the Farmer's Market. Later, when I add fruits, I will also be sure to have a variety of those. Of course, there will be other healthy eating goals to focus on, and one of mine is to increase my intake of Superfoods (I will post more on this later, including a list). Hmmm, a Superfoods Challenge might be a good way to share this!

I challenge you NOW to think about your goals and make a plan to implement them. You can sign up and report your progress in my 2012 Challenge starting next week.

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A Bit Better

I'm back from a much-needed holiday break (well, I am still technically on break for another ten days... a blessing I am very thankful for). I needed a little time away from the computer to re-focus a bit, and I am feeling markedly better. Not ecstatic, or energetic, but better.

There's been lots of Christmas excitement around these parts, with parties, a trip to see the Nutcracker ballet, and of course tons of shopping! There is something really joyful about this time of year and all the generosity and giving and shopping for things our loved ones will enjoy. It was also the first Christmas in over a decade that I have been part of a church family, and that added a new dimension to Christmas that I didn't even know was missing. My daughter and I spent time with church friends, went caroling together, and bought presents for a needy child from the Angel Tree (which was very poignant for me, because my sons names were *on* the Angel Tree when they were little... so I know just how much this program can bless a family and how much it means to receive it). My daughter made an advent wreath that we lit each week, and we went to a candlelight service on Christmas Eve. I can tell you that this has healed me in a way I didn't even know needed healing. Some of the sadness is lifted, and I feel the happiness seeping back in. My kids and I decorated the tree, made cookies and fudge and English toffee, and played video games together. We all exchanged presents and it was so great to see my grown boys being so thoughtful about their gifts for each person. I really love my kids, and while I miss them all being little, I am also so proud of how they are as they grow up.

I did something, too, that I have not done in a very long time: I cooked all of our old traditional Christmas foods without trying to make them low carb or sugar free or more healthy or whatever. I have spent the last seven years trying to control every morsel of food that went into my mouth (and thus my family's mouths), whether I was successful or not. I long ago gave up my baking hobby; I used to bake breads, muffins, cakes, brownies and cookies several times a week, and you may remember how pained I was trying to give that up because it felt like a huge part of my identity. This year when I made cinnamon rolls from scratch, I recaptured that peaceful happy feeling I used to get while standing in the kitchen, kneading the dough. It's like a meditation of sorts. I've missed it. I made breadsticks and rolls and candy last week, too. Yes, the kids got the cheesy potato soup with long, soft breadsticks that they used to love as small children. They got the Skor cake I used to make for them every Christmas. My daughter got to lay the chocolate bars over the hot toffee in the pan to melt, just like her brothers used to do when they were small. All the food traditions came back this year... all of them. And while they made me smile and tasted delicious, that wasn't the main point. The point was, as Cloe says, to normalize food. To stop having panic attacks about "omg cinnamon rolls" and just get my hands in there and feel them and touch the sugar and spread the butter on with my hands and see them for what they are: a powerless, simple food. A special treat... something I am good at creating. And then to see that yes, I am also good at creating meals that nourish and are good for us to have daily. I also enjoy broccoli and carrots and Clementines. All of it is okay, none of it is evil, all of it is available to me, and I can choose to eat the things that make me feel best. Sure, my kids can eat a cinnamon roll or a piece of candy and it is just a treat, and they don't crave 500 more or obsess about them. They go on about their day. Me, I still want more and obsess so I know I have to be very careful about what I choose to eat. But you know, it just felt really good to bring back some of those food traditions to go along with the others we enjoy this time of year.

The days are getting longer now, and I've so enjoyed getting out in the sunshine on days that allow it. I've been using light therapy and vitamin D3 supplements along with my prescriptions, and I have this sense of what I can only describe as 'awakening.' Not a sudden, leap-from-your-bed awakening, but a simple feeling that I have been sleeping in the dark and now am stirring and opening my eyes to the morning light. I think that is going to allow me to get back to addressing the weight and fitness issue, because yes, I do still want to recover my fitness and energy, and also re-lose the weight.

I am grateful for the joy of Christmas and thankful for a new fresh year approaching. I'm so thankful, too, for all of you who have reached out to me in the comments and by email. It has meant a lot to me and given me hope in the darkest times. I think things will only get better from here!

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A Nice Little Break

What a nice break it was yesterday from all the chaos and activity of the past few weeks! Finally, I got to sit and just BE. Everything was closed, so I didn't have anything I *could* do pressing on my mind as I tried to relax. It was just so nice to watch the kids open presents and enjoy a day "off", playing, watching movies, cooking, and reading. I feel so refreshed... and ready to tear down the Christmas tree already! I think I will pack up most of the Christmas stuff and get it put away today. I always love Christmas and the stockings and tree and all, but I am also usually *done* and ready to pack it up very soon after. We need the open space in the living room for playing, anyway, so I will get that done along with laundry this afternoon.

I have physical therapy today too. I am truly dreading it; I did not go at all last week after having gone twice a week for some time. It is so painful and I hate it and I am not really sure whether it is helping or not. Some days I am a lot better, while other days it hurts just as badly. I will go today and then maybe cut back to once a week and see how it goes from there. I also just added a new supplement to my usual D3, fish oil, turmeric, glucosamine and chondroitin: MSM, which is supposed to help heal connective tissues. I did sign up for a dog sport class in January so hopefully I will be able to be on my feet and active without a terrible amount of pain. I am a little worried, though. We'll see.

I had two and a half days of non-Medifast food (at a party, Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day, all day). I did try to keep it low carb, but it was pretty darn salty... baked ham, a few slices of beef summer sausage, some fancy cheeses, olives, pickles. The party was not low carb at all, so I am dealing with some water retention and feeling kind of icky from the food choices. I am back to strict Medifast now, so hopefully won't see a gain on Sunday.

For dinner tonight, I plan to use my leftover ham bone for some homemade split pea soup for the kids and a small pot of Low Carb "Split Pea" Soup for myself. The ham we got for Christmas is lean and 25% reduced sodium, so it won't be too salty or fatty. I am really looking forward to it!

Hope you are enjoying your day!

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How It Went, and Weigh In

You know what is really wonderful? A Christmas that is NOT about the food.

I always thought it just wouldn't be Christmas if we didn't have a ton of goodies. Cinnamon rolls, candy, fudge, and cookies are all such a big part of what I identify about Christmas. But this year, even though I still made the goodies, they were not sharing the stage with what was *really* important to me.

Saturday was just awesome. There is something transcendent about baking with my little girl and NOT wondering while we mix whether I will be able to eat some of the cookie dough without the kids seeing or how many warm cookies I will get to eat before they get put on plates. It is very freeing to just focus on the *activity* of baking with a child and the connection and their excitement at doing something fun together. I had the BEST time cooking this year because it was a teaching, bonding, sharing time without the intrusiveness of food obsession. That's the freedom that comes with staying OFF the sugar, for me. It's not bondage to a 'diet.' It's FREEDOM. True freedom.

Since I changed my lifestyle over four years ago (and therefore, by default,changed my kids' lifestyles) I rarely bake. Oh, I make pumpkin bread here or there, and I've always baked their birthday cakes from scratch, but 'way back when' I used to bake several times a week! Brownies, cookies, cakes, and pies were a regular part of the rotation. I am an excellent baker. I gave that up, for the most part, when I changed. It was hard for me. I mourned it for awhile. I tried baking healthier stuff using applesauce for oil, whole wheat flour, and less sugar, but it just wasn't the same and I had to let it go. A side effect of not baking much anymore is that the Christmas baking has become more special. It's not everyday Mom makes cookies, so everyone thoroughly enjoys the rare occasion that I do.

We made lots and lots of cookies (remember, though, there are lots of teen and adult 'kids' here to eat them!) and three kinds of candy in small batches. Would you like to know how many I ate? None. Would you like to know how much batter I tasted, how many spoons I licked, how many little tastes I had? None. You know why? Because I have plenty of kids who tasted everything and said it was all good. I've made these recipes before and I know how they taste. And when I made a lemon frosting for the sugar cookies, my son volunteered to taste it several times as I added lemon extract until it was just right. Thanks, son!

This was only possible for me because I am back in that state of mild (very mild) ketosis that happens when I am eating under 100 grams of carbs per day. Food gets much less BIG in my life and doesn't scream and call to me and look like more than it is. I don't obsess about food constantly and I no longer have the compulsion to eat, eat, eat. I had ten solid days of 100% staying on plan with Medifast before I started baking. It helped tremendously.

We had two special dinners as well: one on Christmas Eve, and the other on Christmas Day. We stuck with tradition, and I did a bit of planning ahead to make it successful.

Christmas Eve dinner was roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, green beans, and sparkling cider. I made a side of mashed cauliflower as well (the kids are not fans of this, but I love it, and it is perfectly on plan and low carb!) My meal was 5.5 ounces of turkey (mostly light meat with a bit of dark), 1 cup of mashed cauliflower, half a cup of green beans, and 2 Tablespoons of gravy. I drank water. It was great! The turkey was moist and juicy and flavorful... best turkey ever! I had skipped my optional snack for the day in order to have that bit of gravy and stay under my allowed carbs, and it worked out fine.

I had planned ahead to take a day off plan on Christmas, but with a strategy: get plenty of protein, watch the carbs, NO sugar, count calories/carbs/fat. I knew my sodium and fat would be high and was okay with that.

Christmas breakfast was sticky buns, scrambled eggs, and bacon. I enjoyed a cup of eggnog flavored coffee with 1/2 cup of scrambled Egg Beaters and two slices of crisp low sodium bacon. Lunch on Christmas is always an appetizer plate (lots of kinds of cheeses and summer sausage, crackers, leftover turkey); I had a couple slices of cheese, 2 slices of summer sausage, and 4 ounces of turkey. My midmorning and afternoon snacks were Medifast meals, and I had an extra mug of coffee with sugar free creamer, too.

Christmas Day dinner was baked spiral sliced ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, cheesy scalloped potatoes, different green beans (with crumbled bacon and sliced almonds), rolls, and sparkling cider. I made a side dish of the cheesy potato recipe using cauliflower instead of potatoes and reduced fat cheese in place of regular. My plate included 4 ounces of ham, 3/4 cup cheesy cauliflower, and 3/4 cup of green beans (which were fantastic, BTW). My dessert later was a Medifast chocolate chip cookie and a cup of peppermint tea.

I logged all my calories for the day and came in under 1900. My fat and salt were high but carbs nice and low (70) and today I am back to 100% on plan.

The best part of Christmas was my children. I love, love, love spending time with them, whether it's baking, playing board games, reading stories, watching old Lassie reruns, or just talking. Everyone loved their gifts, too. I got something I've been wanting for a long time: a gift subscription to BowWowFlix! I am very excited because I can get training videos and work on my dog training goals, which will also help me stay active. And the best gift is the one I gave to myself: peace of mind about food. I am so thankful for that.

Scale this morning says: 205 pounds. That's a three pound loss this week. Drinking lots of water today to get rid of any holiday salt bloat. I hope your holidays were are wonderful as mine was, and that you have many more enjoyable holidays ahead!

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A Wish

Today I was thinking about all the people who aren't happy today. I know the holidays are difficult for many. It's a memory-laden time of year filled with long, dark, cold days; it's the time of year my father died. But for me, I think my kids really make it better... make it happy. For others, perhaps being with their parents or siblings, nieces and nephews is what brings them joy. But there are people out there who don't have anybody, and I was thinking about that today. Yes, the holidays are (at least for some) about a more spiritual or religious reason for joy, but the bottom line is, for many it is a very lonely and difficult time of year.

I guess I was thinking about this because I love to come here and tell you about all the happiness we are sharing in our home... I have all of my kids here except one, who is out of state at college and working. I feel very blessed and I love to talk about my kids. But I know the heartache of being alone for Christmas. I just wanted to say, you are not alone. I care about you even though I don't know you personally. If your heart is hurting this Christmas... if you're lonely or sad, mourning or depressed... please know I care. I am not the most religious person in the world, but I pray for your peace. I pray for the easing of your pain. If tomorrow is a painful day for you for whatever reason, please just know someone out there is thinking of you and wishing a better season for you next year, and the next.

Hugs... and I do wish a peaceful, healing night and morning to you all.

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Weigh In, and a Medifast Discount Coupon Code

Weigh in for this week is 211, a maintain since last Sunday. Since I dropped 4 pounds last week and 3 the week before, I am not terribly surprised. Hopefully the weight loss will pick back up this coming week.

This morning I had my favorite, occasional 'indulgent' Medifast meal: a Medifast pancake spread with a tablespoon of peanut butter and a spoonful of Walden Farms blueberry jam. Back when I did Medifast before, 1 tablespoon of peanut butter was on the list as an optional snack. Recently though, they took it off because it seems to be a trigger for some people. Nuts are still on the snack list, and I still use the peanut butter once in awhile since it doesn't trigger me. I have this yummy breakfast about twice a month, usually on the weekends. The Walden Farms jam counts as a condiment. Not sure yet what's for dinner... I need to take a peek in the freezer and find some kind of meat to cook.

Today is going to be a stay-at-home, enjoy the family day with some baking, decorating gingerbread houses, wrapping presents and playing games. I really need some down time and am looking forward to it. I might even have an extra cup of coffee or two! Maybe if we're lucky, it will snow.

I've gotten a few comments and emails asking if there are any Medifast discounts or coupon codes available. I emailed Medifast and this is what they sent me. I hope it is helpful to some of you.

Medifast has some deals for you! If you use my code, LYNESC56, and sign up for Medifast Advantage when you order $250+, you’ll receive 56 free Medifast Meals and free shipping! You’ll receive 28 free meals with your first Medifast Advantage order and ANOTHER 28 free meals with your next order! This offer is only valid if you enroll in Medifast Advantage, and it’s limited to one per customer. It’s not valid with prior purchases, any other promotions or discounts, or for Medifast Ready-to-Drink Shakes.

Not ready to enroll in Medifast Advantage? You can use code LYNESC28 to receive 28 free meals with your purchase of over $250. Limit one per customer. This offer is limited to new customers only and not valid with prior purchases, Medifast Advantage, or any other promotions or discounts.

Both codes expire on 3/31/2012. See website for complete details on program and discounts. Consult your physician before beginning a weight-loss program.

And... last but not least, here's my required disclosure, with a link to information about the Medifast program:

I receive free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast Program. Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.

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What Christmas Was

This morning I was in the kitchen cleaning and making coffee while my daughter sat at the dining room table drawing. She was asking me about my Christmas when I was a little girl. She'd forgotten about how I'd told her last year that I did not get to have Christmas as a child, or any other holidays due to my mother's religion. She asked, "Didn't you get a birthday cake? Didn't anyone even tell you happy birthday? What about a Christmas tree? Didn't Santa come to your house?" So I started telling her some little things I remembered.

On my birthday every year, I'd wake up and think, "I'm a year older now." I'd go to the kitchen and pour myself some cereal. No one said happy birthday. No, there was never a cake, or candles. No presents and no parties. It was just another day and when I went to bed that night I'd remind myself that I was older... 7, not 6. Or 8, not 7.

No, Santa didn't come to my house. My mother didn't let him.

I remember one time when I was about 6 or 7, when the art teacher at school said she had a special project for us to do. Everyone was excited as she passed out the red construction paper and big puffy white cotton balls. There was a picture of Santa's face on the paper, and we were to glue the cotton balls on his beard and the rim of his hat. The kids were jumping up and down, excited for the holiday project. I remember how sick I felt in the pit of my stomach. I was so worried. I was not allowed to make pictures of Santa ("Santa" is just "Satan" with the letters switched around, my mother said) but if I didn't do the art project I would get a zero. I was a shy and quiet child, self-conscious and embarrassed as I approached my art teacher as quietly as I could and whispered to her, "I'm not allowed." Thank goodness for her kind response, as she went to get a sheet of blue paper, drew a snowman on it, and happily told me to glue the cotton balls on it to make snow instead. "You're allowed to do snowmen, aren't you?" Yes, I was. Kids did notice mine was different, but at least I wasn't getting a zero.

There were the times I went to school when I knew in the afternoon there would be a Christmas party in each classroom. First grade, second grade, third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade... every year I went to school and had a usual morning aside from the other children being filled with anticipation. And then, suddenly around 1:00 Santa would burst into the classroom with a hearty "HO HO HO!" and a bag of toys. All the children would leap from their desks and run to greet him as the teacher put on Christmas music. This was my cue to go out in the hallway, past Santa and the joyful children, and sit on a hard classroom chair, staring at the art-covered wall across from me and listening to the sounds of happiness coming from every class. Mothers would walk past me, bringing Christmas cookies and gingerbread houses to the children. Santa would sometimes stop to speak to me on his way out, but I'd avert my eyes and hang my head. I'd pray and ask Jehovah to be proud of me for doing the right thing. I'd sit there for an hour while my classmates unwrapped presents from Santa and from the class gift exchange, and then as everyone went to get their coats and hats to go home, I'd get up and join them. Their faces had hints of colored frosting and they clutched candy canes in their fists as they chattered about what they'd be getting for Christmas. They'd go home to their decorated houses and lit Christmas trees and wrapped presents and I'd go home to a mother eating potato chips in front of the TV in the decidedly unfestive-looking living room.

Of course, I didn't tell my daughter all these details. I did tell her about what the other kids got. I did tell her I never had a tree, got a present, made an ornament, made Christmas cookies. And although I feel like I've been "over" it for a long, long time and am very thankful for the joy I have every year with my own children, I suddenly felt tears welling up in my eyes for that little girl who stood quietly and stared at her shoes whenever any strangers in the store would say "Merry Christmas" to her. Sometimes they'd even ask "what do you want Santa to bring you this year? Have you been good?" And as my mother had taught me, I'd respond, "We don't celebrate." And I'd keep staring at my shoes.

For a long time, I think I was trying to sort of make up for all of that by going really overboard with the Christmas baking. Yeah, I know it is not all about the cookies, but for many years I would bake and bake and bake, and I'd indulge in as much as I wanted. I could have it now... all of it. But you know, eating all those Christmas cookies as an adult didn't take away how I felt as a child. It didn't fix anything or make it better. What made it better was finally talking about it, mainly here on my blog but also to trusted friends, and acknowledging the pain that I stuffed down as a child. What helps me now is knowing I *can* celebrate, not only Christmas but anything I want. When we make cookies and gingerbread houses, I don't need to eat them anymore. I don't need to have a candy cane and a frosted sugar cookie to make me feel better now. I enjoy baking with the kids, we have fun together, and the experience is enough to fill me. I do not need to fill myself with actual cookies to be okay.

I am very thankful for all I enjoy with my children. Some of the happiest moments for me have been choosing gifts for them, decorating the tree with handmade ornaments, putting out the porcelain nativity set with my daughter carefully cradling baby Jesus in her hands, hanging the stockings on the fireplace, putting up garland, going to a Christmas concert at a church, seeing a live nativity together, making crafts, and visiting Santa and his (real) reindeer. The baking is fun too, but it's not all about the food anymore. It's about time together, traditions, and love.

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Woke Up Ready!

This morning, I woke up ready to get going! Not on anything in particular, just on life.

This is worth mentioning because of the serious sleep deprivation and fatigue problems I've had over the past several months. I generally stay up til 10 or 11 and don't fall asleep until 11 or 12. Then I wake up 2 or 3 times in the night, plus my daughter sometimes comes in my room and wakes me up. Then the senior dog starts barking, sometimes as early as 5am, but always by 7, and I feel just exhausted and get up dragging and wishing I could stay in bed one more hour. But not today.

Today I woke up on my own, just before 7, and felt awake and ready to take on the day. I felt positive. And I don't even remember waking up once in the night, either. It was the best night of sleep I've had in weeks, maybe months. I believe this improvement in sleep quality is due to the change in my eating habits. Lower carb, higher protein, better nutrition, level blood sugar. That's what I think.

I got a lot done again today, but even more important, it was joyful. I am ready to have my joyful life back. I am so thankful.

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Relief

Today has been much, much better so far. I sent a few faxes, and now I don't have anything I really have to do until after Christmas. Well, I have to do laundry today for sure and maybe some dishes, but I mean I don't have anything else urgent or pressing that I have to worry about right now. Appointments are made, prescriptions are filled, and school is out. I can relax. I even got a call from the rheumatologist and set an appointment for late January, the soonest he can see me. So that's out of the way, too. So today I can just have fun and bake cookies with my daughter and wrap presents to put under the tree. I'm sipping a cup of black coffee and eating a Medifast muffin in front of that tree right now. So nice and calm! What a relief. My feet even stopped hurting today! I have no idea why, because they were killing me for two days. Maybe the physical therapy is working after all.

Last night after a super long and stressful day, I got home too late to cook as planned and had to wing it. My dinner was leftover broccoli and three hard boiled eggs. Tonight I will be cooking what I meant to cook yesterday: lean turkey meatballs simmered in low sugar spaghetti sauce (from a jar this time) over spaghetti squash. The kids hate squash so they will have theirs over whole grain pasta.

The scale still says 211, but maybe with rest and lowered stress I will at least get to see a pound gone by weigh-in on Sunday. If not, I'll just keep going.

Happy holidays!

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Something Changed

Something changed today. Instead of trying to explain it, let me just compare today with the last few months.

Most days, last few months: avoid, avoid, eat, avoid, think about food, avoid, procrastinate, do some basic stuff, avoid, rest, spend time with kids, avoid, force self to do basic cleaning, avoid, procrastinate, feel tired, be annoyed I can't get anything done, obsess about food, avoid, procrastinate, make lists, think about stuff, eat, avoid.

Today: wrap presents, clean kitchen, play with dog, do nine loads of wash, mail Christmas gifts, take dog and kid on errands, fold and put away all nine loads of wash, open all the boxes that came in the mail, sort stuff, take daughter to dance, train dog, play with daughter, clean, read and do homework with daughter, bake banana bread, steam a head of cauliflower, wash dishes, make grocery list, walk the dog a mile, plan Christmas foods, pick up the house, make cauliflower pizza, and oh yeah, blog!

I had more energy today even though frankly I was not in the mood for it. I had every intention of having a quiet, nonproductive day, but my energy came through and kept pushing me to do more and keep going even when I thought about stopping. I just felt more alive, and a LOT less avoidant/food obsessed. I did not take an energy pill or drink an energy drink or consume loads of coffee to do this. I got OFF CARBS. That's what happens when I get off carbs.

It takes about a week, but the difference in dramatic. Day and night. I got more done today than I have in weeks. And now I am good and tired and ready for bed. Day 8 on plan tomorrow. Goodnight!

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Persistence

Many years ago when I was a divorced mom of four, I took my little ones to school and then, as usual, drove 20 minutes to get to the college I was attending. I was quite poor back then, and didn't even have a cell phone. So it happened that while I was miles away sitting in a history class, my youngest child had an injury at school. He knocked out a front tooth. Actually, he did not knock it all the way out... it broke off, leaving a jagged edge near the gum line. Poor little guy, sitting in the nurses' office with ice and gauze on his mouth while the secretary tried in vain to reach me. They tried my house. Then they called the college. The college got my schedule and sent someone with a note to my class telling me about my son, but they sent it to the wrong room and I was not there. So the school was told I was not in my class, and since they had no one else to call, my sweet little golden-haired child had to just sit and wait for hours until I arrived at the usual time to pick him up. Oh how horrible I felt! My poor little guy, lip all swollen and tongue cut up from rubbing against that jagged tooth! I immediately called his dentist, explained the situation, and was told "oh, sorry, we don't have any openings today. We can get him in on Monday." Um, no. My child is bleeding, he is hurting, he needs to be seen TODAY. But they continued telling me they were very busy and had no openings and I should just stuff his mouth with gauze and wait until Monday... 3 days away. No.

I took my other kids to a friend's house and went straight to that dentist's office with my son. I walked in with a crying, bleeding 5-year-old with bloody gauze in his mouth and I walked through the waiting room that was full of people, went straight to the front desk and said calmly, but loudly enough for all to hear, "my son is injured. He is bleeding and in pain. He needs to be seen today and we will wait right here until you have time to see him." And then I turned around, took a seat with my son on my lap, and waited.

Funny how fast they made time for a hurt child when there was a room full of patients watching him bleed and cry.

He got the help he needed. He did get it fast. But make no mistake, I would have sat there and waited until closing time if I had to in order for him to get treatment. The driver was love... love for my son. Desire to make it better. I would do anything for my child and was not about to go home or take no for an answer.

It was like that today and yesterday, too. That sweet faced baby is not so little anymore, but he still needs his Mom to persist for him. And I do. I am an expert nagger. When something is truly urgent... when my child needs something... I will persist.

I probably spent 4 hours yesterday and today trying to get my son an appointment with the specialist he needs to see. We'd been told we were on a waiting list to get in sometime late next month, but when I called to check, we weren't. His appointment was three MONTHS from now... and with his new diagnosis, that was just not going to cut it. So I called. I emailed. I faxed. I took papers to various places, faxed papers everywhere, contacted every person that had any possibility of helping him get in sooner. I got a lot of "sorry, I can't help you"' and "there's nothing I can do" but I kept calling. I did not give up. And finally this morning I got through to someone who found a way to move his appointment up to next month. I am so happy. So relieved. I just do not want my child to suffer.

Then I set about trying to get the prescription he needs but the insurance doesn't want to pay for. Again I called, faxed, nagged, annoyed and spent about 2 or 3 hours at it until finally I got not only the approval but an "expedited" authorization and was able to get what he needed into his hands this evening.

Persistence. I am good at it. When I set my mind on something I do NOT give up. I keep at it, even if a dozen roadblocks and a hundred NO's are in my way. I do it for my children because I love them.

This is why I have had this weight loss blog for over five years. That is why I kept fighting to keep the weight off and get more weight off. I am not going to take no for an answer. I am never, EVER going to give up. I want to reach a healthy weight. I want to be in control of and at peace with my eating. The driver is love. I love myself. I also love my children and want them to have their mother for many decades to come. That is why no matter how sucky things have gotten at times, I have never quit. I keep going. I will always persist. I will get what I am after on this journey. You can count on that.

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Seeing Things Differently

I have noticed a bit of a shift in the way I look at my body in the mirror. Maybe it started with that trip to try on clothes and buy a dress and a pair of jeans. I saw myself then in a way I never really had before. And that has kind of stuck with me.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not about self-loathing. I do not find my body disgusting or repulsive. I still find it beautiful. I still thank my arms for holding my babies and than my legs for carrying me so far. I love myself. This is different.

When I look in the mirror now, the first thing I see is the bulges. I am sure that has everything to do with being about 20 pounds too large for my clothes, and I do try to cover it up a bit with sweaters and light jackets. But the bottom line is, there are a lot of fat rolls where there were none a year ago.

It's different now. It's not the same as it was coming down the scale from 278. Before, even when I was morbidly obese, I "saw" mirrors but walked on by; I occasionally "saw" a reflection or a photograph but I didn't dwell and quickly looked away and thought about something else, like what kind of brownie I wanted from the bakery. I lived like that for ten years. When I was losing weight, I learned to look... really look... in the mirror. I saw. I scrutinized and admired the changes. I was pretty happy with most of them, until I got into the 170's and started seeing too much loose skin and hanging bits and wrinkles. And then I regained and *poof* those were suddenly all gone! A miracle! I fixed myself! I kid, but not really. I think that was part of it, subconsciously... part of the regain. But anyway, having been on the "other side" of obesity, having lost the fat rolls and bulges at least from obvious view for a time, it is very, *very* disconcerting to see them now. I guess as I regained, they grew and were there but I ignored them. I didn't see them until I was trying on clothes in that ridiculous little booth. And now they are all I see.

Every day when I get dressed, I mutter to myself. I look in the mirror, feel my eyes get big and my mouth open in disbelief a little, and whirl around muttering and trying to find a) something to cover it up or b) something else to wear. It is kind of distressing. And I feel quite self conscious for a few minutes, thinking about other people seeing my rolls, but then I walk away and tell myself to get over it, do something about it, and cherish what I've got: a decent, working, capable body. And I go about my day and don't think of it again until I am in the same bathroom at night changing into my too-tight pajamas, looking in the mirror, my eyes getting big and my mouth dropping open as I see the rolls and whirl around to a) find some other pajamas to wear or b) grab a bathrobe.

I am doing something about it, that's all I can do. But it is hard now, after having been thin (at least in my own mind) to be obese again and see it with my very own eyes.

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How I Feel About My Eating

How do I feel about my eating lately? I don't. That's right, I don't *feel* about my eating. If you've struggled with any kind of food obsession or compulsive eating, you know what it is like to be trapped in a loop of strong emotions, food thoughts... and usually, food actions. I am blessed to be once again, for the most part, freed from that kind of obsession.

And even aside from obsession, which is all about an emotional attachment to food and using eating as a reaction to one's stress or mindset, I am exceedingly thankful that I don't even have to *think* about food much these days. These days are full of emotion and thought and work and action and *none* of it revolves around food. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am that I have to expend so little energy and thought in the direction of eating right now. I am on auto-pilot: open a packet and eat it. By the clock, 8, 10, 12, 3, 6 and 9. Grab and go. I have to do basically *nothing.* It is SO helpful. Today my brain was working constantly, going 100 mph all day without a break while I called doctors and hospitals and pharmacies, schools and experts and the insurance company. I was on the go getting last minute Christmas gifts, taking paperwork to doctors' offices, and running my daughter to and from school and dance. I was stressed. And all I had to do was, without thinking or considering what I FELT like eating, grab a Medifast shake to drink in the car or a Medifast bar to eat between phone calls. All I had to do when I finally got home at 7 and fed the kids from the freezer was to pop a bag of Steamfresh broccoli in the microwave, measure out a cup and a half onto a plate for myself, top it with some reduced fat cheddar, and grab a hard boiled egg from the fridge to complete my easy, on plan dinner. Last night all I had to do was nuke a piece of leftover spaghetti squash lasagna from the freezer for myself. Easy. No thinking. No wondering, "hmmm, what do I FEEL like eating?" Because if I had stopped to consider my emotions, I'd have eaten a lot of pizza and quite a few chocolate chip cookies.

I don't mean I never get a craving. Heck, the other day when my kids were baking, I walked in the kitchen and really stared hard at those cookies. I even leaned over and smelled them. For a split second my inner brat tried to start a sentence in my head: "you could just eat..." But she never finished the sentence. I said "shut up" and walked out of the kitchen, and within a minute I didn't care about the cookies anymore.

Being low enough carb to stay in mild ketosis is key for me to lose weight. I get that. Staying under about 100 grams of carbs per day AND staying off sugar, salty stuff, fried foods, grains, etc results in me losing a lot of my obsession about food as well as my hunger and cravings. I feel freed to spend my energy on other things... to focus on important things. I am so thankful for that. Because I can tell you what I *would* be doing right now under these circumstances if I were not on Medifast. I would have used drive-thrus and fast food liberally this week and would have eaten an awful lot of the holiday sugar I see in the grocery stores lately. If I had to *think* about what to choose to eat... if I was basing my choices on emotion... oh man. I'd be in trouble right now. Miserable. Ineffective. In more pain than I already am. So yes, I am thankful... so thankful that I do not have to make a *choice* every few hours about what to eat. The only choice I have to make is: stay on plan? Or not? I decided already. Now if I can survive occasional moments of weakness, like I did with the cookies the other day, the weight loss and sense of control will continue. So that's what I need to do. And obviously I need an "autopilot plan" of easy-to-grab, always-on-hand mini meals that are rich in protein and low in carbs for when I am not on Medifast anymore. I already know a few things that work, like low fat string cheese, Greek yogurt, nuts, and other brands of protein bars and ready to drink shakes, but I want a good sized list... 10 or 15 options that I can always keep on hand... so that when I am stressed or busy, I don't revert back to bad habits because I eat what I *feel* like eating.

My weight is stable at 211 pounds every day this week; stress is probably a factor as well as lack of sleep. My feet are back to hurting as badly as they ever did and I have to take Aleve to get through the day. I haven't heard from the rheumatologist yet but that'll come.

Tomorrow my girl and I will go see Santa. That will make everything better for awhile.

I wish you peace, and I wish you to feel loved, safe, and happy during this holiday season.

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MTHFR

I am really bowled over my the latest *thing* in my life, and don't really understand it all, but I wanted to let you know what is going on. Sorry if I don't sound too coherent; I am overwhelmed.

Even though I rarely blog about any of my childrens' health issues out of respect for their privacy, I've mentioned that three of my five children have had serious medical issues. Today after a particular phone call from a doctor, I thought, "wow, my first husband and I were a real genetic train wreck waiting to happen..." Really, I am astounded at how many messed up genes we managed to pass on to our children... I almost feel guilty for it. Like it is my fault for giving them these genes, even though I couldn't help it and didn't know it. I love them all so dearly and it pains me to see them suffer. This latest thing *has* caused my child much suffering but we did not have an answer until today. Apparently he is homozygous for a certain gene defect called MTHFR. You may have heard of this; it's not all that uncommon for people to have *one* gene for MTHFR and often that doesn't affect them so much. But to have *two* copies of the gene, the effects can be pretty bad. You may have deduced as I did that I also have a copy of the MTHFR gene. How it may be affecting me is yet another thing to explore with my doctor, but that is, I suppose, secondary to me seeing the rheumatologist who I have not yet heard from.

The insurance company does not want to pay for the expensive medication my son needs to start. We are trying to convince them. We are also going on a trip to a children's hospital next month to address and assess his other health issues. Oh, and odds are my other son who has liver disease may also be homozygous MTHFR which would explain some of his medical issues. So he really should be tested, too.

I need a break.

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Weigh In and Plan

Feeling MUCH better today, physically and emotionally! I think yesterday's ick was probably sugar withdrawal more than anything, and now I am out the other side and things should get easier again.

Today is day 5 on plan. I started back on Medifast on Wednesday weighing 214. Today I am down 6 pounds to 208. I do feel less bloated. It is nice when the bloat/water retention from sugar and tons of carbs goes away. The ache in my hands and feet goes away with it. What a relief.

So yes, now I have a long term plan which I posted about a couple of times this week. I intend to switch to that plan when I feel ready. My goal right now is to get through the cookie baking, fudge making, Christmas candy laden next two weeks without gaining weight. I chose to go back on Medifast during this time because after a week or so on plan, my binge urges get so much weaker. The food obsession fades. I am hoping this will hold true and I can just ride it out and lose weight through the holidays. If and when I feel I cannot stick with it any longer, I have my lifetime plan ready. I feel much more confident having a structured way of eating. I start getting nervous and eating too much of the wrong things and not enough of the right things without that structure. I have NEVER lost weight without structure.

Something I am starting right now: focusing on vegetables. I have been in a rut with the same canned green beans and mashed cauliflower and spinach lately. I had forgotten about all the other delicious offerings that are out there this time of year, most especially kale. I love kale! So this week's grocery list will include a trip to my favorite produce section which has a lot of local organic stuff as well as good quality veggies in season from other locations. I will be getting some kale and looking around for something new to try. I want to try some new recipes to post as well.

Starting in January when the kids go back to school, I will have a structured exercise plan. Regardless of whether I continue Medifast through January or transition to my new lifetime plan, I will have a calendar marked with appointments for my exercise, including walking, indoor biking, and weight lifting. I will be starting small because I have been quite sedentary lately and I don't want to injure myself, but I think a long walk, 10 minutes of biking per day, and weight lifting for 10 minutes 3x/week is a good start. I can work up from there. The PT exercises should be in there somewhere. Maybe mixed in with the lifting at first. If it is too overwhelming I won't do it.

That's all for now. Have a great, healthy day!


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

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Thinking...

I was looking over the Maintenance program Medifast puts out, to get some more ideas about what it might take to maintain once I reach goal weight, or even to lose more via eating whole foods. I also wanted to compare MY ideal of long term eating to theirs.

I wrote about mine here, just the other day. I found Medifast's here, in the Maintenance Guide. This is their guideline for a day's intake in maintenance:


5 servings of veggies (1 serving = 1 cup raw leafy greens or 1/2 cup raw or cooked other veggies)
2 servings of fruits (1 serving = 1 medium piece or 1/2 cup cubed fruit or berries)
2 servings of low fat dairy (1 serving = 1/2 cup)
9-13 ounces of lean meat, chicken, fish or other protein
0-3 healthy fat servings depending on how lean the protein is for the day (1 serving = 1 tsp oil, 1/2 oz nuts, 1 1/2 oz avocado)
1 serving of whole grains (1 slice whole grain bread, 1/2 cup whole grain pasta, or 1/3 cup brown rice, etc)
3 "healthy fuelings" (A healthy fueling = 90-110 calories and some examples given are: 6 oz plain Greek yogurt, a banana, 2 cups baby carrots, a cup of cauliflower with 2 Tbsp low fat Ranch dip, an apple, 3 cups air popped popcorn, 30 pistachios, celery with 1 Tbsp natural peanut butter, or a Medifast meal.)

This is all supposed to add up to around 1500 calories.

I think it is a good guideline with the exception of the grains. I might be keeping them out entirely. I'm not sure. I think legumes/beans fit in here somewhere also, as a protein, so that would give me some carbs without adding whole grains. In fact, I might even lose weight on that type of plan as long as I was exercising as well. What do you think about using this as a framework for my long term eating plan? I might try it, but keep the grains out until I hit goal, and maybe only have one fruit serving per day until then as well.

*Edited to add: one protein serving = 4-7 oz cooked lean meat or 1 cup of BEANS or lentils :)

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Today

I'd call it a bad day, but given what some other people are going through, I shouldn't complain.

Dropping off my 7-year-old at school this morning was hard. Emotionally, I was torn between keeping her home and safe, and letting her go back to her regular life in her class in her happy-go-lucky innocence. In the end, I took her to school cheerfully, because I don't want my emotional distress and fear to become hers. When she ran to her classroom, I got teary. I almost wanted to snatch her back and home school her. Many other mothers felt the same way this morning, I am sure, as evidenced by the very small number of children present to begin class... only eight. Eight kids. I almost took her back home when I saw it, but then I saw the police officer in his car outside, the many children arriving late, the smiles on the childrens' faces, the teachers welcoming them and the extra staff lingering near the entrance. I went home and worried, got a few things done, and then went to school to bring my daughter something special for lunch. We sat together in the cafeteria surrounded by loud laughing children and I felt a little better, and counted my blessings a little more. She came home after school as usual and now she is baking cookies with her brother in the kitchen.

I got a rather vague message on my phone stating that I'd had some abnormal results on my blood tests including a positive on something I don't even understand and they are referring me to "the rheumatologist." I found this message a bit distressing. I have no idea what it means or what to expect, but I can tell you this news did nothing whatsoever for my mood.

My eating is fine; I tried to make a new enchilada-type recipe last night that turned out really blah. I ate it, but it wasn't good enough to share. It needs some major tweaking or maybe I will just scrap it and start over. It had a lot of protein in the form of lean ground beef and low fat cheeses and was full of veggies including zucchini, green onions, mushrooms, and tomatillos. I think it was the tomatillos that kind of ruined it. They were canned and sort of mushy and acidic. I have never cooked with them before so I dunno what to do differently, but the rest of the dish was pretty tasty.

That's all I've got for today.

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More Sickness

I don't feel well AT ALL this morning. I was up at 6:30 and felt fine, but tired. I had my cup of coffee as usual. Then I started to feel hot and sort of off. Maybe slightly nauseous. I thought I might be hungry and wanted to stay liquid just in case I am coming down with something, so I had a Medifast hot cocoa. I still have not gotten it all down. I feel a little dizzy, hot and cold, and varying between hungry (stomach growling) and full/nauseous. I've had sick kids this week: vomiting Monday and Tuesday, diarrhea yesterday and today. I can only assume I am coming down with whatever that was.

When I went to school the other day there were a lot of kids absent because of vomiting, and I saw a mother comforting her child as they threw up on the sidewalk at school. Yuck. Guess it's that time of year. Seems like this school year had had more than its share of illness going around.

I am going to stick with liquids until I am confident I am not going to start throwing up. I hate that.

That's all for now.

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Thoughts on a Long Term Plan

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days, about where I want to be in a year and how I want to get there. I've gotten a lot of good input from your comments, so thank you for that.

A couple of sure things:

I need to exercise. I need to move more. I have known this all along, but for some reason have been resistant. I keep hurting myself when I exercise. I think doing my PT exercises for my legs will help with that, but I am still not sure what's going on with my feet. I find myself having foot pain when I walk too far or bike too long. I may need to see a specialist about that if it continues. But regular exercise is part of improving my health long term... not just weight loss. Strength training is going to have to make a comeback, as well.

I need to eat lots of vegetables. Lots and lots of fresh, local, organic (when possible) vegetables, including leafy greens like kale and spinach. I found a lot of joy and success from weekly visits to the Farmer's Market. Learning how to prepare new vegetables was a source of pleasure for me as well. I want this to be a regular part of my life, always.

I want to include fruits, too, in moderation. I am not exactly sure how much fruit I can eat without having some kind of sugar-trigger, but I do not think cutting it out completely would be a good idea. Fresh fruits in season, in place of other sweets, is another source of joy for me.

I need to get enough protein. I think having some protein with every meal is a good idea. I want to base this around lean protein sources, local and free range when possible. I can get free range eggs and beef year-round for a reasonable price; wild salmon is another healthy thing I enjoy. I want to have fish once or twice a week, red meat no more than once a week, and a few vegetarian meals as well. I love cooking with beans, lentils, and split peas.

I need to cut out artificial sweeteners entirely. I just don't feel good about them. My long term plan does not include them. I have not bought any in quite some time and I won't be buying anymore at all. I do plan to use raw local honey in strict moderation. My allergist said 1 teaspoon per day helps control seasonal allergies and I do think that works.

I am going to have to count something. Probably calories, maybe carbs. I'm not sure. I also am not sure whether/how much whole grains to include; lots of conflicting information about that. Not sure about dairy either.

Low carb eating, whether South Beach or Medifast, has been the only thing that turns off the binge monster for me. If I eat under a certain number of carbs per day, food loses its massive draw and it is a lot easier to stay in control. It takes about a week of low carbs to get to that point, but it does happen. I think that is the answer to the binge eating issue.

Right now, my only focus is to NOT go off the deep end, eat tons of Christmas cookies, and gain weight by January 1. That is really my only focus. I am just trying to hang on through the holidays, and enjoy them without making food the focal point.

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Weigh In and Other Stuff

The scale was good to me this week as it was last week: this morning I weighed 211 pounds. That's a big loss of 4 pounds this week! That makes a total of 11 pounds lost since I re-started Medifast on November 18... almost a month ago. I have averaged 2.75 pounds a week so far, which is a bit higher than Medifast's expected loss of 1-2 pounds per week. I figure it will slow down later like it did last time, so I am enjoying the nice losses while I can.

Here's a snapshot of my eating, which is always 5 Medifast meals and a Lean & Green meal (5-7 oz lean protein, 1.5-3 c. low carb veggies, and up to 2 fat servings). I rarely have the optional snack but it is there if I get hungry.

Friday's dinner was Egg Beaters scrambled with turkey sausage, mushrooms, yellow squash, green onions, and low fat cheddar cheese.

Saturday I logged my food for the first time in a couple of weeks. I had:

Medifast berry crunch cereal with Silk unsweetened vanilla almond milk
Medifast peach oatmeal muffin with black coffee
Medifast sloppy joe on a big flat "cracker" made of low fat cheese microwaved until crispy
Medifast peanut butter crunch bar
Big plate of baked baby kale chips made with olive oil and sea salt
8 oz Greek yogurt mixed with 1 packet of Splenda, 1/4 c Egg Beaters and vanilla extract, baked and chilled
hot decaf green tea
Medifast soft bake cookie

Stats for the day:
862 calories
93 g protein (40%)
96 g carbs (40%)
20 g fat (20%)

I feel very satisfied staying 100% on plan. My calories are usually closer to 1000 and my carbs closer to 85, but I am still in the range I need to be. Not sure what I am having for dinner tonight; I've thought about baking some fish and vegetables, so I may do that.

My feet have been better this weekend by about 60%. My heels are still very sore to the touch, but walking is getting less painful. I admit this whole daily foot pain thing is frustrating, but I am doing all I can and hoping it continues to improve. Here's to another good week!


Required disclosure: I receive free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast Program. Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.

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